FTD is a fickle disease. It is fickle in many ways which makes it worse. It also chooses when to make the symptoms flare up with no discretion. The symptoms often conflict which each other and I never know which one is going to win the fight to control me each day.
One of the first symptoms talked about with a diagnosis of FTD is apathy. Of course we all know that apathy is not caring, just plain not giving a damn about anything. Yep, I agree, definitely one of the first symptoms. It certainly was with me, at work, at home, everywhere and everything.
One of the other first symptoms is loss of energy. Things that I used to do in two hours now can take me two days. For someone who always took pride in how many things I was able to do, that is a cruel symptom to dump on someone. Because of the loss of energy and often feeling exhausted it is really difficult to accomplish much some days. It has been explained to me that your brain needs rest as much as your body does. That is the reason given that we seem to need a lot of sleep, much more than normally needed.
This inability to accomplish much is one of the most frustrating things I deal with each day. I have written here more times that people probably care to read, but here I go again. I have explained how I have to break up tasks into tiny tasks before I can do anything. I used to clean my house in one afternoon. I still clean something just about every afternoon, but it takes me two weeks to clean the house. I don't even touch the downstairs, which is primarily my husband's "man cave" and the laundry room. I gave up cleaning his room even before FTD because no matter how careful I was, he would always find something that I didn't return to the exact place he likes it. If he didn't keep a hundred things on his desk, it might be easier, but the easiest for me was to tell him to clean his own da**ed room.
As usual, I have digressed. It does take me two weeks to get the house cleaning and, you guessed it, it is time to start all over again. Fortunately there are no kids or pets in the house or it would be a disaster. This inability to get the housework done, not even mentioning any yard work, makes me beg for more apathy! I am always looking around the house and sometimes it seems that all I can see is dust and dirt. The windows need cleaned. I think some of them never got cleaned in the spring and here it is almost fall when I usually wash them all again. Little repairs need to be done. The carpets need to be cleaned but I don't feel up to preparing for the cleaner to come. It involves cleaning baseboards, deep vacuuming and moving furniture. I must break here and assure you that it is safe to eat in my house. The kitchen and bathrooms get cleaned more often than anything else does.
My problem is that I am apathetic about getting things done, but not enough that I don't care what it looks like! Don't get me wrong, my house is not dirty by many people's standards, but it is by my own standards. I don't think anyone comes into my house and says "Ewww, what a filthy house!" or at least I hope not! I see it though. I see the dust bunnies hiding behind the couches. I see the squirrel nose prints on the patio door. That one is okay with me though. Those little buggers entertain me all the time, as opposed to the dust bunnies who refuse to do a single trick.
The other FTD symptom that conflicts with my limited energy and ambition, along with my apathy, is the anger issue. I get so frustrated that things are not done, and that I cannot seem do them anymore, then I become very angry. People with FTD often lash out in anger and that is certainly true with me. I probably look and sound like a child throwing a temper tantrum. It is a vicious cycle. I throw the tantrum which wears me and saps my small amount of energy. I know I should feel terrible about throwing it, but then the apathy kicks in and I don't care. Of course, then I think that I should feel guilty because of the things I said or the things I threw or slammed down. I'm sure you get the picture. It is not a pretty one.
Thole tantrum issue leads me to one of my questions about FTD and the aphasia that comes with it. I often struggle to speak. I try to start speaking and either nothing comes out or I just keep repeating the first syllable over and over until I realize what I am doing. Then I stop talking for a minute or so and rephrase what I am saying. That trick has been working most of the time so far. Sometimes, though, the words just won't come out. Then I get so frustrated that I start to swear. Amazingly, the swear words come out just fine, are plenty loud and quite clear. I often wonder if the neighbors hear me and what they think. It's okay though, the apathy kicks in and I don't care anymore.
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