Anger is one of the symptoms of bvFTD. Even it wasn't, wouldn't you get angry because you are saddled with having FTD? There are different types of anger. The basic one is when you get angry at something and but are able to keep it to yourself. Next and worse is when you get angry at something and you verbally lash out about it. The worst one of all is when you get angry and lash out physically.
Fortunately, I have not experienced the worst one. I will admit, though, that there have been a few times when I was lucky that I could rein in that reaction. I experience the other types much more often than is healthy or that I want. I know that FTD is going to cause anger. I try to not reach the second step of verbally lashing out. I wish I could say I succeed. I rarely succeed.
I used to laugh at my husband for arguing with the television. Now, I do it worse than he ever did. Some days I must simply turn off the television or change the channel. The news channels are the worst for me. Oh, I also yell at the newspaper... not sure it hears me though. Of course neither does the television. I waste way too much of my limited energy on anger some days.
Worse than sitting there yelling at inanimate objects is when I snap at people. It can be at people I don't know (especially at the grocery store where I am over-stimulated the entire time), as well as at people I love. Think about how many times a day you look at someone or listen to someone and think "what an idiot" and keep on going. It's that keep on going part that I lack. I think it, I say it. I think you have done something in an incorrect way, I say it.
There is one situation where I often act out inappropriately. If I am trying to do something such as reading, watching TV, cooking, coloring pictures or anything that requires any brain power at all, I cannot handle any other stimulation. I can have soft music in the background because I don't have to pay attention to that. What drives me over the edge is other types of noise. These can include someone eating something crunchy, clunking around in the kitchen and the list goes on and on and on.
One habit of my husband's is often unbearable to me. Since the invention of DVR's we have recorded all the TV shows and sports shows so we can watch them at our convenience and fast forward through the commercials. That works for me. What doesn't work is when he is watching a sporting event and fast forwards through until he sees something he deems worth watching. This habit causes unbearable over-stimulation and if I don't walk away and go to my room soon enough, I snap. The absolute worst is during a baseball game. I have always loved baseball and still find it relaxing to watch. I often joke that it is my favorite sport because it is slow enough I can follow along. I cannot enjoy watching it in bits and pieces.
All of this is reiterating things that I know I have written about before, but for a good reason. People try to understand what I am talking about when I first explain this FTD symptom. Sometimes I think they truly do understand and other times I can tell they are just agreeing to shut me up. The problem comes when these people may "get it" but don't seem to store it away. I find myself having to re-explain the condition quite often, at least as often as every time I lash out.
I do realize it is a difficult condition to grasp. "What do you mean you can't help it?" or "Of course you can stop yourself." How I wish that were true. After I lash out or walk away in anger, I know fairly quickly that I have acted inappropriately. I regret what I did or said, but I also know that it was the FTD that caused it. FTD can change your entire personality and it is horrible realizing that you hurt the other person or people involved.
I try to, after I settle down, go back to apologize and explain what happened and how it built up to cause my reaction. That is when I need the person to actually pause and think, to realize that I would not have done this pre-FTD and to understand. It doesn't help when they do not really listen to my explanation, just shrug it off and say it is okay. No, it is not okay. I hate it and often hate myself because of the way I react. What I need is for someone to say "I understand" and truly mean it.
What it boils down to is that while I do need what most call a caregiver, it is really a care partner that I need. I need someone who can support me, to listen to my frustrations, to forgive me when I offend and to understand when I need assistance and when I do not. A care partner reads about FTD but doesn't stop there. A care partner remembers what they have read and heard about FTD. A care partner realizes that FTD is not going to go away and that it is not something I chose to have or did anything to cause it to happen to me. A care partner learns to shrug off the bad and to seek out the good in me. There is still a lot of good in me. It is what I tell myself when I look in the mirror and cringe. I tell myself that I am still in there somewhere.
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