Saturday, December 31, 2016

Post Holiday Blues

It is obvious that it can be difficult to celebrate holidays and birthdays when you know you have an incurable disease. Sometimes you just don't feel well enough or don't have the necessary energy to prepare for or even enjoy the celebrations.

At one time, I had a fascinating and fun job working in the newsroom of a fairly large newspaper. One of my responsibilities was to edit all the obituaries. I was shocked during the weeks after Christmas and New Year's by the much larger than normal number of obits.  One of the funeral directors explained to me that many people struggling with a life-threatening illness are desperate to make it through a special event. It can be the holidays, a wedding, graduation, anniversary or anything meaningful to them. They rally all their energy to make it through but when the event is over, that extra bit of energy goes with it and they surrender to the illness. If you let it, it can make you feel pretty sad. On the other hand, they had that last celebration, most likely with family and friends and that is a good thing.

For someone with a chronic or incurable disease, the holidays and special occasions can be exhausting and sometimes depressing. For myself, I miss the big family gatherings and the satisfaction of making every one's celebration perfect. I used to put a huge amount of effort into making every holiday or special occasion perfect for everyone. I loved doing it. I loved the smiles and laughter and I found great joy in getting down on the floor and playing with the kids.

Now, though, with limited energy, limited ability to be among others and general limitations of FTD, the celebrations can become painful. For most people diagnosed with FTD, one of the worst symptoms can be the loss of executive functioning. This makes it nearly impossible to focus on more than one thing at a time. When you add in the voices, music and activity going on around you, it can quickly lead to a meltdown which can ruin the day to those of us with FTD, as well as everyone else around us. The fear of doing this puts even more strain on me.

I did a pretty good job (patting myself on the back now) preparing for the holidays. I successfully cut back on things that we really didn't need for our celebrations and actually asked for help once in a while. I made it through Christmas, proud of myself for making it special for family and friends while holding myself together... mostly anyway. There were a couple meltdowns but not when many people were around, only those who understand what is happening.

Now, I am battling the "post-Christmas blues" and am melting down more often than usual. I am having more trouble speaking and am experiencing way too much anxiety. I miss having my daughter and my 'grandkitties' here for the week most of all. There are no more preparations to be made to use up any of the anxiety. I am left with a feeling of "Okay, what now?" Unfortunately, the only answer that pops up is to take down all the decorations and pack them away to hopefully use again.

Packing away all the decorations has always been kind of sad. Instead of the feeling of the holidays are coming, it is the holidays are gone, it's Winter, so now what? The house always looks so empty and sad once the decorations are gone. I will force myself to do it. I will do it over a period of a few days like I did for putting them up, but I can not think of a way to make it anything more than a chore.

Quite honestly, I didn't find anyway to avoid the question "Will this be my last Christmas?" I really don't think so because my case of FTD seems to be progressing slower than some, but none of us knows for sure. It can also start progressing more quickly whenever it wants.

On top of the post-holiday blues, the same thing is happening now because my birthday is less than two weeks away. I will only be turning 64 and can't stop myself from feeling just a little sorry for myself. I seems unfair that at this young of an age, I am dealing with this horrid disease instead of preparing to retire, travel and have fun. When I am already feeling down, it makes it easier to sit here and feel sorry for myself.

I will get through it, I always have before and I refuse to allow FTD to win this time around. My mother and I had a thing for when we were feeling sorry for ourself. It was usually after a romantic breakup or being hurt by a friend. We were only allowed one day to feel sorry for ourselves. We could wallow in self-pity, cry as much as we needed and curse at the world if need be. The next day, though, we had to be strong enough to put it behind us. It worked for us believe it or not. So, I am thinking that this is a tough one, so I will allow myself one week to feel blue. By next weekend, I will be strong enough to put it behind me. Party anyone? Oh, but remember, it must be a small and quiet party!

Thursday, December 29, 2016

The Best Christmas Gift Ever

I blogged yesterday about some of the trials and tribulations of Christmas. Today, I am writing about an excellent idea for those of us with FTD that became my best gift ever.

I mentioned a couple blog entries ago about a special gift I had made for my daughter that I was giving to her for Christmas. I made a cookbook of all our favorite and family recipes. I used a free software app that did all the layout and such.  I only had to type in the ingredients, the directions and any personal stories about the recipe that I thought should be preserved. The software created the cookbook, separated the recipes by category, alphabetized them and created an index. I was able to choose the design, name the book and just personalize it.

It was easy, but still took a while for me to do. I worked on it for about nine months. Obviously I didn't work on it straight through, just a few recipes at a time so that I didn't get overwhelmed. It wasn't difficult at all, but I have trouble focusing on something for any significant length of time. I finally finished it a couple weeks before Christmas, then purchased a nice binder and page protectors. The binder had a clear pocket on the front for the front cover sheet. It turned out beautifully.

I also copied a couple pages out of my go-to cookbooks, such as a roasting guide. This is in the original cookbook I received when I got married 44 years ago and I still turn to every time I want to roast anything. The software also added helpful pages such as emergency substitutions, equivalent measurements, etc.

I presented this gift to my daughter on Christmas Eve during a time when it was just the two of us. It was such a personal gift that I just wanted it to be a personal moment. It was more than I could have every hoped for and worth every bit of time spent. She loved it every bit as much as I did!

I wanted to write about this in a separate entry because I think it is an idea that others might want to do. It could be someone like me, with FTD, or the opposite. A family member could work with the person with FTD to preserve these recipes and memories for themselves and other family members. I have heard from quite a few people who were regretful that their loved one's recipes were gone forever.

The software also allows you to include pictures of either the recipe or someone or something that pertains to the recipe. I did not do this because I was intimidated by the process of downloading or uploading the pictures. The idea of preparing all the recipes to take a picture of each was out of the question as well.

My sister saw the book as I was putting it together and now she has a copy as well. I just think it is a wonderful idea for anyone to do. I know how many old family recipes that have disappeared from my grandmothers, so I didn't want it to happen for my daughter.

I will give the web address for the site in a minute. I did end up having to pay a small price for the software. I believe it was when I hit 70 recipes, I was blocked from adding more. I was trying to figure out a way around it (creating more than one book, then putting them both in the same binder) but when I realized how little the cost was, I went ahead and paid. They also are in the business of printing cookbooks, so they offer to print them for you at a price. Obviously, you would end up with a professional looking book. I was, however, more than happy with the print it yourself for free option, especially since I don't have a large family and only planned on one copy.   http://www.familycookbookproject.com/
This ended up being one of the, if not the, best gift ever and I wasn't even the one getting the gift. I take that back. My daughter's love and appreciation of her cookbook was the best gift I could ever receive.

Another idea I have heard of for preserving memories is to actually write down all those wonderful family stories and memories. There are books you can purchase for this purpose. After it was suggested to me, I checked them out, but the project was too overwhelming for me to attempt. I think, though, it would be a great project for the one with FTD to do with a partner who could help remember and to write it all down, either in a book or on the computer.


Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Christmas Lessons

The Christmas holiday is officially over. It ended for me when my daughter left our house, along with her cats, to return to her home several states away. Before the holiday, I was so excited that she would be here for a full seven days. I didn't even lose one of those days to her travel time. It just seemed like it was going to be a wonderfully long visit and I had been looking forward to it for months.

Who knew that seven days could fly by so quickly? We accomplished a lot while she was here. We visited several groups of family along with a few longtime friends. My daughter was able to meet the granddaughter of my really good friend and I think they will now be forever friends. They have so many common interests and that is why my friend and I planned on the four of us getting together.

My "grandkitties" finally, after several years, seem to have accepted me and I got a lot of cuddle time. I very much miss having a cat in our household. Our cats brought me so much comfort over the years, but I blame myself for the death of our last cat, myself and my FTD. Without FTD, I firmly believe I would have noticed that he was not well much sooner than we did. He still might not have survived, but I refuse to take the chance. So that kitty-cuddling was priceless.

Our wedding anniversary happens to be two days before Christmas. 44 years together is quite an accomplishment. I often wonder how anyone could put up with either one of us for that long. Certainly, we had planned a celebration. It was just to be a quiet family dinner, just the three of us, at a relatively quiet restaurant, perfect for someone with FTD.

Unfortunately, when it came time to leave for the restaurant, my daughter offered to drive. She is a great driver, always has been (knock on wood here), as well as a safe driver. My husband freaked, no other way to put it. Of course he would drive. He is the father, he must drive. He used to drive race cars so he must be the best driver ever.  This experience should be taken as "used to drive" as his driving is not the same as it used to be. The debate went on and on until our daughter felt totally disrespected. I still don't know the exact words that were exchanged but I took our daughter aside and asked her to please let him drive.

The drive to the restaurant was undeniably the quietest ride ever. When we got out of the car, our daughter confronted her father and told him that she felt totally disrespected and that she felt it was unacceptable. I was crying but managed to pull myself together to go into the restaurant. When we arrived at our table, they were still arguing and I had a meltdown. I got back up and walked out, telling them I was leaving and that they could leave with me or give me the car keys and I would wait for them in the car. Of course they came with me, and we celebrated our anniversary with me crying and with us eating fried egg sandwiches.  I was so afraid that she would pack up her stuff and leave. I would not have blamed her a bit and she told me later that she was ready to but realized it would break my heart.

The next day, Christmas Eve, she left for a couple hours and I thought she had left for good and the tears started again in earnest, leading to another, even worse, meltdown. Finally, when I saw the cats were still here, I knew she would be back and she was. The two of us went out for lunch to unwind.

I relay this story, not for you to think either my daughter or husband are nasty my holiday was ruined, because neither of those things is true at all. It only impacted about twelve hours out of our visit. I tell the story to point out some lessons about FTD.

Caregivers must bear in mind, as I keep saying, that those of us with FTD cannot handle stressful situations, conflict and sensory overload. Believe me, those twelve hours intensely involved all of those. A couple things that could have helped: Obviously, if one of them would have swallowed their pride and immediately given in to the driving controversy then waited to discuss it later, that would have eased the tension and eliminated the blow up, or at least postponed it. Also, if they both stopped to realize the effects it was having on me, not just because they were arguing, but because of how FTD makes me react to the situation, they may have backed off.

Caregivers must also bear in mind that someone with FTD is not necessarily able to smooth things over. I have always been the peace maker, beginning as a young child. I grew up in an unstable home and was always being the peacemaker, even to the extent of taking the blame for others to make things easier for everyone else. I have continued through my entire life as the peace maker, so I tried to smooth things over between them. Before FTD, I probably could have. Now, with FTD, I cannot think of the words to say nor speak them without stuttering before each word when I do think of what to say. Now, with FTD, trying to keep everyone happy merely leads to a meltdown not to a peaceful solution.

One thing I learned this holiday, is that making things simpler can be a good thing. I have struggled the past few years trying to recreate our usual Christmas feast. I eliminated a couple dishes and actually allowed my daughter to help. I don't usually work well with others because I have always believed that I must do it all, and do it perfectly. Allowing her to help made for much quality time working together in the kitchen. Admitting to myself that FTD limits my abilities is a hard thing for me, but I actually did it! What's more, no one seemed to miss anything and still enjoyed the smaller feast!

I know this blog is getting lengthy, but I must share something wonderful that happened.

When I started preparing for my pre-holiday cookie baking spree, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to bake as many types or quantities as usual. I felt bad about this because sharing my cookies with everyone has always brought me much joy. I posted about this on Facebook a week or so before Christmas. Low and behold, on Christmas Eve, the doorbell rang and I opened the door to find a friend holding a big tray of cookies for me. I don't know how she knew my favorites, but they were on there.

I learned that it is okay to start handing the reins over to someone else and to begin accepting assistance in doing things. That is a good thing!

Sunday, December 18, 2016

A Day Off, Is It a Good Thing?

I forced myself to take a "day off" today. No working, except to fix an easy dinner. I have been overdoing it, trying to make everyone's Christmas perfect. Now that I have slowed down and am actually taking deep breaths, a lot of things have occurred to me.

I work way too hard at trying to make everyone's Christmas perfect. Decorate the house perfectly. Make everyone's favorite cookies. Shop for the perfect gifts for everyone. Clean the house until it sparkles. (Okay, I may fail on that one, but at least I try!) Wrap the gifts perfectly. Write the perfect notes in everyone's Christmas card, even if it's not very legible anymore. Plan the best meals for the entire week.

Today I started wondering, "Who works at making MY Christmas perfect?" Uh, let me see... The only one who comes close would be my daughter. She is the one who tells me that I can wait to do cookies until she gets here and can help. I don't do that, because I only get her for a week and would rather do other things. She is the one who tells me to stop worrying about cleaning, that it's just her and if anyone else who visits seems worried about it, I should hand them a dust cloth. I kind of listened on that one. I cleaned the kitchen floor yesterday after finishing the last cookies and will do a quick dusting tomorrow. She is also the one who will notice when I start getting too stressed and will work at calming me down.

Today, I stopped to realize how wonderful my best friend is. She came over yesterday to learn how to make baklava and brought her granddaughter. We had a good time, but then a swear word came flying out of my mouth. I immediately apologized to her granddaughter and started to try to explain that I have a brain disease. She stopped me and said that it is okay, that her grandmother had explained this to her before they came over and told her of some things that could happen. Leave it to kids, I had no clue that she knew because she was treating me just like she would anyone else. It is a shame that most of the adults in my life cannot learn this lesson from her.

The past few days, I have been thinking about the importance of research being done for FTD. Someone actually pointed out that, as one with FTD, it is my responsibility to participate in any way I can. It is most likely too late for me, but it just might help future generations. Since my FTD is familial, it is even more important. There is very little research being done for FTD, because the research dollars tend to go to Alzheimer's disease, not other causes of dementia. I have been invited to participate in an FTD research project. Unfortunately, it would be necessary for us to travel four hours to the closest location of the research project. It is a city where we lived nearly 20 years ago, so we still know our way around well enough to manage. We also still have friends and family there whom I would love to visit. I say "unfortunately" because my primary caregiver is needed for this research project as well. That would be my husband who is unwilling to travel. Now, wouldn't that be the perfect gift for me... to simply tell me that he will take me and participate?

I was also reminded, today, that I am tired of having to make all the important decisions or at least being responsible to keep pestering until the important decisions can be made. This makes me feel like a nag and even worse when I get no response. That means I must try again later, and again and again.

FTD makes me tired. Some days I feel what my grandma used to call "bone weary," totally exhausted to the point that even moving is too much effort. Thinking on those days is absolutely out of the question. This makes it extremely difficult for me to take care of the tasks I always took care of before. Making phone calls is nearly impossible for me most days.  Despite this, I am seem to be expected to "take care of this" for all sorts of things. I used to do all these things. My husband worked 15-18 hours a day until he retired, so I took on dealing with these things. What I can't seem to get across is that just because I used to do it, does not mean I still can.

We received a letter that our dehumidifier has been recalled. In order to get the replacement, we need to take a picture of the model numbers and other numbers that are on two different stickers located on the back. We must then cut the electrical cord, write our name on the back of the unit and take a picture of that. Then, I must figure out how to upload the pictures and submit with the online form required. Of course, the first words were "You can take care of that with your camera and send it in, can't you?"

How many times is it necessary for me to explain FTD to people, to explain what the 'loss of executive functioning' entails. To me, this task becomes a multitude of tasks and immediately overwhelms me. I will have to make a list of all the steps, do one at a time and check it off the list as I go. Doing a task like this will be all I can do that day as my brain will be worn out. I realize how difficult this concept is for those with a "normal" brain to understand, I do. But, once it has been explained to the same person every few days for several years now, I would hope it would sink in. It has been explained by expert medical personnel, not just me.

I also realized that I must learn to say "NO!" I should be able to say "No, I cannot do this, it is too much for me." Only problem with that is that it would then not get done. We would continue to use the dehumidifier with the fire risk and I would be constantly worrying about whether it is catching on fire today. So, yes, I will do it, but not until next week. It doesn't run in the winter, so there isn't any risk of waiting until after Christmas.

Bottom line of all these rambling thoughts today? Maybe taking a day off is not the best thing for me to do. Either that, or I need to do it more often so I don't have to stress over so many things in one day. Oh, great, now I have to worry about which of these to do!

Friday, December 16, 2016

Christmas Is Coming, and Coming Up Fast

I started off my blog entry last week by saying that I absolutely love Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I still do but have realized how much it exhausts me.

I was determined to cut back on how many cookies I make. Only problem is that every time I tell someone which ones I am skipping, I get an "Ahhhh... but I love those!"  My daughter is the good one though. Her comment is "Ahhh... but I love those. Why don't you wait until I get there and we can make them together?" Got to love that kid! My "kid" is 36 years old, but will always be my kid. All you parents and kids will understand and forgive me for calling her my kid.

I did stick to my guns and have not given in to making the ones that take me three days to make. Other than that, I am sure you guessed by now, they are all done. I did cut back on the number of batches I made of each. Several kinds I only made (gasp!) a single batch.

The kitchen is pretty much back to normal. Just one batch is sitting on drying racks for the frosting to dry enough to put in tins. You have to have cutout sugar cookies with frosting and decorations, don't you? They are all trees... if you cut back on how many shapes you make, that counts as cutting back, right?

I know it doesn't and I know I was a sucker in a few cases. There is a reason for this and is the same reason I had last year. With FTD, I don't know if I will be able to make cookies at all next year. It is important to me to keep my favorite holiday traditions, especially for my favorite holiday. I need to be with friends and family and make it as traditional as possible. You won't see many outdoor decorations at our house, but you will see the tree shining through the front picture window.

I have mentioned many times how valuable my psychologist is to me. She has specialized in dementia for much of her career, so she is full of suggestions on more than how to cope. A while back, she suggested I put my recipes behind plastic (which they already are) and check off each ingredient as I go. I had tried this previously, but I would still lose track of how many cups of flour and/or sugar I had added. She suggested I get a 4-cup or so measuring cup and dump the flour and sugar in there before adding to the dough. She DOES know a thing or two about coping with dementia. This has worked out really well. I did not have to through out a single batch of dough this time.

A couple evenings ago, my daughter and I were chatting over the phone. I mentioned that I still had to clean the house. This sweet girl told me not to worry about it, that it will be just her staying with us. Then I remembered someone telling me, not too long ago, that if it seems like anyone is offended that there is some extra dust lying around, I should hand them a dust cloth. I won't go that far, but I am not going to stress about it. I will settle for a quick dust with my duster and a quick sweep with my Swiffer mop. I need a couple "down" days to get ready.

My daughter arrives on Tuesday and will be here for an entire week. She and I will cram in as many of our favorite mother/daughter things that we can. It will definitely not involve cleaning the house. The week will fly by, I know, but we will treasure every second of the week. She is just as aware as I am that we don't know if this year will be the last year we can do all our traditions. We will overindulge in the hot buttered rum on Christmas Eve and the mimosas during brunch on Christmas morning. These are about the only days I drink alcohol, so I figure it won't hurt to indulge. Well, maybe I will only have one mimosa, heavy on the juice, so I will be able to cook dinner later in the day!

We will be getting together with family and friends. To all of them who read this, please bear in mind that I will be celebrating Christmas but might appear a bit melancholy from time to time. I cannot help but have some quiet moments when I reflect back on all our Christmases and think about what is to come. If you see me looking like that is what I am doing and I look a bit sad, hugs are always appreciated. I cannot go into details, because she may read this before Christmas, but I have an extremely special gift for my daughter. It took me a lot of time and energy but with all the love that was involved, it never seemed to tire me. I think she will cry when she opens it. I know I will!

I doubt that I will be blogging while my daughter is here and we are spending time with friends and family. Because of that, I will take the time to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. To my Jewish friends, Happy Hanukkah. If I have missed anyone else's holiday, I wish you love and peace. To all of you, a very Happy New Year!

If you are feeling generous this season, please consider the best gift you can give to me and everyone else with FTD. That would be a monetary contribution to the AFTD (Association for Frontotemporal Degeneration). They are great advocates for research and awareness of the disease. They also do as much as they can for those of us with the disease and they even include those of us with FTD in their annual conference. This allows us to stay up to date on research and information on the disease. Their website is http://www.theaftd.org/



Sunday, December 4, 2016

Christmas Is Coming

I absolutely love Christmas. I love making it special for as many people as I can. I love the picking out of gifts, the decorating, the cookie making, the wrapping, the cooking... love it all. I will admit, though, not the shopping.

About 18 years ago we moved to the Philadelphia area when my husband was offered a fantastic employment opportunity. It didn't take long for me to realize that the "brotherly love" no longer existed there. Shopping was a nightmare and I felt like I was risking my life in every store when other shoppers would grab things out of my hands and wrestle over things I was looking at. Kind of like you imagine Black Friday, but it lasted for the entire month after Thanksgiving. It might have been a fluke that first year, but since then, I start my shopping the day after Halloween and must be done before Thanksgiving. I have learned to love online shopping to avoid the stress of the stores.  Other than that... I love Christmas!

I really enjoy decorating the house and putting up the tree. Don't tell the truant officers, but I used to let my daughter skip a day of school and we would spend the day drinking hot cocoa, listening to Christmas music and trimming the tree with just the two of us there. Now, I do it by myself, but it brings a different kind of comfort to me. I know my daughter will be coming home for Christmas and for just a few days, things can be like they used to be.

All my Christmas ornaments are in their original boxes. Many of them are Hallmark ornaments that we have bought through the years to mark special events or that just reminded us of something we like. Others have been gifts from family and friends. This makes trimming the tree a walk down memory lane. As I open each box and look at the ornament, I remember who gave it to us, who made it or what event or thing triggered us to buy it for ourselves. I go through this procedure almost reverently. I am sure I am not the only one who does this, but it is a wonderful day for me. I may never have one of those color-coordinated and themed Christmas trees, but to us, ours is so much more beautiful.

Then enters FTD! It is no longer one day spent decorating the house, one day trimming the tree and one day wrapping the gifts and placing them under the tree. It is more like one day to find where I put all the decorations. "Hey, where is that garland I bought a couple months ago. I put it somewhere I knew I would find it?" or "Where is the head for the elf that goes out on the front porch? This isn't Halloween, I don't want to scare people with a headless elf!" You get the picture.

Decorating the tree becomes a two-day ordeal, er... I mean pleasant task. Today it was one day of setting up the tree and getting the lights put on. I actually allowed my husband to help put on the lights and only yelled at him once. Then I spent a few hours removing all the ornaments from their resting places. Tomorrow, I will place all the ornaments on the tree. And, yes, after all the hassle of getting the tree set up, opening all those ornaments was still a blessing.

Gift wrapping will be next on the agenda. I hope I don't end up tangled up in paper and ribbons before I am done with that. Are you wondering why I don't ask someone to help me or why doesn't someone offer to help me? Believe me, they do, but these things I still want to do on my own for as long as I can. It is too painful for me to realize that I may not be able to do them much longer.

I am an avid baker. I have always loved to bake, even as a child. I make many varieties of cookies, many that I only make at Christmas. There are no simple chocolate chip or oatmeal raisin on my cookie trays. I make many varieties and flavors of butter cookies. If you know what they are (many are more popular in this region than other places), I make lady locks, pecan tassies, nut rolls, apricot rolls, buckeyes and so many more. These all take a lot of time and attention but again, it is something I do that causes me to reflect on all the family traditions and all the friends and family that I provide with cookies. I spend hours decorating the cut-out sugar cookies. Like I said, I love to bake!

I used to be able to get all my baking done in three days, two if I pushed it. This was even if I was working full time. That's what evenings were for. Well, not anymore!  It will take me about an entire week to do my baking. My kitchen will look like a major disaster area. I will most likely end up throwing away several batches of dough because I left out an ingredient. I will probably burn a few trays of them along the way.

Does this make me sad, that I can't do it like I used to? Yes, it kind of does. It continues reminding me how many abilities this disease of FTD steals from me and makes it obvious how much I have declined since last year. I will not, however, stop doing the decorating and all the baking until I absolutely have to do so. These are things I do for my family and friends. I hate how much I have to lean on them to get me through the days of this disease and this is one way that I can still feel independent enough to do things for them.

My husband is a saint through these processes. He is my official kitchen cleaner-upper-er and doesn't complain about how much flour and such ends up on the floor. He doesn't complain if I only bought six pounds of butter and then I find I need a few more. (A LOT of butter cookies!) He just trundles off to the store and gets what I need. Several times, he will ask if I really still need to make all these. Yet he will not argue when I insist I do. When I break down in tears out of frustration because I keep messing things up, he will hold me and calm me. He will stand there and count out the amount of ingredients I need. He helps decorate the cut-out cookies and helps with a couple other kinds that now require me to have three hands instead of just my own two. He also willingly goes out and picks up dinner when I am too exhausted to cook.

Yes, my FTD makes doing all these holiday traditions a lot more difficult and, yes, I sometimes break down and need help getting back up. It doesn't matter. I will do it as long as I can. It just means that much to me, to be able to do something for my family and friends. Maybe, just maybe, some day I will allow others to help me. I do let my daughter help if she is home before Christmas, so there may be some hope that I will.

This year I am considering cutting back on Christmas dinner. My aunt worked for the post office for quite a few years, so no extra time off for her. She started the tradition of serving a huge baked ham (cold), rolls, potato salad and more of that kind of food. That way, she put it out and people could eat when they wanted. She didn't set a formal table. It was the way she could put out a good meal without too much hassle. I have always made Christmas brunch, which I can at least make the night before then pop in the oven Christmas morning. Then later in the day, I do full spread of roast beef dinner. I was in the kitchen most of the day, but now I think it's time to get a little wiser and follow my aunt's lesson.

Bring it on, FTD, I can deal with this!!!