The Christmas holiday is officially over. It ended for me when my daughter left our house, along with her cats, to return to her home several states away. Before the holiday, I was so excited that she would be here for a full seven days. I didn't even lose one of those days to her travel time. It just seemed like it was going to be a wonderfully long visit and I had been looking forward to it for months.
Who knew that seven days could fly by so quickly? We accomplished a lot while she was here. We visited several groups of family along with a few longtime friends. My daughter was able to meet the granddaughter of my really good friend and I think they will now be forever friends. They have so many common interests and that is why my friend and I planned on the four of us getting together.
My "grandkitties" finally, after several years, seem to have accepted me and I got a lot of cuddle time. I very much miss having a cat in our household. Our cats brought me so much comfort over the years, but I blame myself for the death of our last cat, myself and my FTD. Without FTD, I firmly believe I would have noticed that he was not well much sooner than we did. He still might not have survived, but I refuse to take the chance. So that kitty-cuddling was priceless.
Our wedding anniversary happens to be two days before Christmas. 44 years together is quite an accomplishment. I often wonder how anyone could put up with either one of us for that long. Certainly, we had planned a celebration. It was just to be a quiet family dinner, just the three of us, at a relatively quiet restaurant, perfect for someone with FTD.
Unfortunately, when it came time to leave for the restaurant, my daughter offered to drive. She is a great driver, always has been (knock on wood here), as well as a safe driver. My husband freaked, no other way to put it. Of course he would drive. He is the father, he must drive. He used to drive race cars so he must be the best driver ever. This experience should be taken as "used to drive" as his driving is not the same as it used to be. The debate went on and on until our daughter felt totally disrespected. I still don't know the exact words that were exchanged but I took our daughter aside and asked her to please let him drive.
The drive to the restaurant was undeniably the quietest ride ever. When we got out of the car, our daughter confronted her father and told him that she felt totally disrespected and that she felt it was unacceptable. I was crying but managed to pull myself together to go into the restaurant. When we arrived at our table, they were still arguing and I had a meltdown. I got back up and walked out, telling them I was leaving and that they could leave with me or give me the car keys and I would wait for them in the car. Of course they came with me, and we celebrated our anniversary with me crying and with us eating fried egg sandwiches. I was so afraid that she would pack up her stuff and leave. I would not have blamed her a bit and she told me later that she was ready to but realized it would break my heart.
The next day, Christmas Eve, she left for a couple hours and I thought she had left for good and the tears started again in earnest, leading to another, even worse, meltdown. Finally, when I saw the cats were still here, I knew she would be back and she was. The two of us went out for lunch to unwind.
I relay this story, not for you to think either my daughter or husband are nasty my holiday was ruined, because neither of those things is true at all. It only impacted about twelve hours out of our visit. I tell the story to point out some lessons about FTD.
Caregivers must bear in mind, as I keep saying, that those of us with FTD cannot handle stressful situations, conflict and sensory overload. Believe me, those twelve hours intensely involved all of those. A couple things that could have helped: Obviously, if one of them would have swallowed their pride and immediately given in to the driving controversy then waited to discuss it later, that would have eased the tension and eliminated the blow up, or at least postponed it. Also, if they both stopped to realize the effects it was having on me, not just because they were arguing, but because of how FTD makes me react to the situation, they may have backed off.
Caregivers must also bear in mind that someone with FTD is not necessarily able to smooth things over. I have always been the peace maker, beginning as a young child. I grew up in an unstable home and was always being the peacemaker, even to the extent of taking the blame for others to make things easier for everyone else. I have continued through my entire life as the peace maker, so I tried to smooth things over between them. Before FTD, I probably could have. Now, with FTD, I cannot think of the words to say nor speak them without stuttering before each word when I do think of what to say. Now, with FTD, trying to keep everyone happy merely leads to a meltdown not to a peaceful solution.
One thing I learned this holiday, is that making things simpler can be a good thing. I have struggled the past few years trying to recreate our usual Christmas feast. I eliminated a couple dishes and actually allowed my daughter to help. I don't usually work well with others because I have always believed that I must do it all, and do it perfectly. Allowing her to help made for much quality time working together in the kitchen. Admitting to myself that FTD limits my abilities is a hard thing for me, but I actually did it! What's more, no one seemed to miss anything and still enjoyed the smaller feast!
I know this blog is getting lengthy, but I must share something wonderful that happened.
When I started preparing for my pre-holiday cookie baking spree, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to bake as many types or quantities as usual. I felt bad about this because sharing my cookies with everyone has always brought me much joy. I posted about this on Facebook a week or so before Christmas. Low and behold, on Christmas Eve, the doorbell rang and I opened the door to find a friend holding a big tray of cookies for me. I don't know how she knew my favorites, but they were on there.
I learned that it is okay to start handing the reins over to someone else and to begin accepting assistance in doing things. That is a good thing!
No comments:
Post a Comment