I absolutely love Christmas. I love making it special for as many people as I can. I love the picking out of gifts, the decorating, the cookie making, the wrapping, the cooking... love it all. I will admit, though, not the shopping.
About 18 years ago we moved to the Philadelphia area when my husband was offered a fantastic employment opportunity. It didn't take long for me to realize that the "brotherly love" no longer existed there. Shopping was a nightmare and I felt like I was risking my life in every store when other shoppers would grab things out of my hands and wrestle over things I was looking at. Kind of like you imagine Black Friday, but it lasted for the entire month after Thanksgiving. It might have been a fluke that first year, but since then, I start my shopping the day after Halloween and must be done before Thanksgiving. I have learned to love online shopping to avoid the stress of the stores. Other than that... I love Christmas!
I really enjoy decorating the house and putting up the tree. Don't tell the truant officers, but I used to let my daughter skip a day of school and we would spend the day drinking hot cocoa, listening to Christmas music and trimming the tree with just the two of us there. Now, I do it by myself, but it brings a different kind of comfort to me. I know my daughter will be coming home for Christmas and for just a few days, things can be like they used to be.
All my Christmas ornaments are in their original boxes. Many of them are Hallmark ornaments that we have bought through the years to mark special events or that just reminded us of something we like. Others have been gifts from family and friends. This makes trimming the tree a walk down memory lane. As I open each box and look at the ornament, I remember who gave it to us, who made it or what event or thing triggered us to buy it for ourselves. I go through this procedure almost reverently. I am sure I am not the only one who does this, but it is a wonderful day for me. I may never have one of those color-coordinated and themed Christmas trees, but to us, ours is so much more beautiful.
Then enters FTD! It is no longer one day spent decorating the house, one day trimming the tree and one day wrapping the gifts and placing them under the tree. It is more like one day to find where I put all the decorations. "Hey, where is that garland I bought a couple months ago. I put it somewhere I knew I would find it?" or "Where is the head for the elf that goes out on the front porch? This isn't Halloween, I don't want to scare people with a headless elf!" You get the picture.
Decorating the tree becomes a two-day ordeal, er... I mean pleasant task. Today it was one day of setting up the tree and getting the lights put on. I actually allowed my husband to help put on the lights and only yelled at him once. Then I spent a few hours removing all the ornaments from their resting places. Tomorrow, I will place all the ornaments on the tree. And, yes, after all the hassle of getting the tree set up, opening all those ornaments was still a blessing.
Gift wrapping will be next on the agenda. I hope I don't end up tangled up in paper and ribbons before I am done with that. Are you wondering why I don't ask someone to help me or why doesn't someone offer to help me? Believe me, they do, but these things I still want to do on my own for as long as I can. It is too painful for me to realize that I may not be able to do them much longer.
I am an avid baker. I have always loved to bake, even as a child. I make many varieties of cookies, many that I only make at Christmas. There are no simple chocolate chip or oatmeal raisin on my cookie trays. I make many varieties and flavors of butter cookies. If you know what they are (many are more popular in this region than other places), I make lady locks, pecan tassies, nut rolls, apricot rolls, buckeyes and so many more. These all take a lot of time and attention but again, it is something I do that causes me to reflect on all the family traditions and all the friends and family that I provide with cookies. I spend hours decorating the cut-out sugar cookies. Like I said, I love to bake!
I used to be able to get all my baking done in three days, two if I pushed it. This was even if I was working full time. That's what evenings were for. Well, not anymore! It will take me about an entire week to do my baking. My kitchen will look like a major disaster area. I will most likely end up throwing away several batches of dough because I left out an ingredient. I will probably burn a few trays of them along the way.
Does this make me sad, that I can't do it like I used to? Yes, it kind of does. It continues reminding me how many abilities this disease of FTD steals from me and makes it obvious how much I have declined since last year. I will not, however, stop doing the decorating and all the baking until I absolutely have to do so. These are things I do for my family and friends. I hate how much I have to lean on them to get me through the days of this disease and this is one way that I can still feel independent enough to do things for them.
My husband is a saint through these processes. He is my official kitchen cleaner-upper-er and doesn't complain about how much flour and such ends up on the floor. He doesn't complain if I only bought six pounds of butter and then I find I need a few more. (A LOT of butter cookies!) He just trundles off to the store and gets what I need. Several times, he will ask if I really still need to make all these. Yet he will not argue when I insist I do. When I break down in tears out of frustration because I keep messing things up, he will hold me and calm me. He will stand there and count out the amount of ingredients I need. He helps decorate the cut-out cookies and helps with a couple other kinds that now require me to have three hands instead of just my own two. He also willingly goes out and picks up dinner when I am too exhausted to cook.
Yes, my FTD makes doing all these holiday traditions a lot more difficult and, yes, I sometimes break down and need help getting back up. It doesn't matter. I will do it as long as I can. It just means that much to me, to be able to do something for my family and friends. Maybe, just maybe, some day I will allow others to help me. I do let my daughter help if she is home before Christmas, so there may be some hope that I will.
This year I am considering cutting back on Christmas dinner. My aunt worked for the post office for quite a few years, so no extra time off for her. She started the tradition of serving a huge baked ham (cold), rolls, potato salad and more of that kind of food. That way, she put it out and people could eat when they wanted. She didn't set a formal table. It was the way she could put out a good meal without too much hassle. I have always made Christmas brunch, which I can at least make the night before then pop in the oven Christmas morning. Then later in the day, I do full spread of roast beef dinner. I was in the kitchen most of the day, but now I think it's time to get a little wiser and follow my aunt's lesson.
Bring it on, FTD, I can deal with this!!!
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