Yikes! That is the best way to describe the past week. My blog entry last week was almost congratulating myself because I had finished the cookies and had all the preparations made in advance of the Christmas weekend. It is so easy to disillusion one's self.
It truly was awesome to have my daughter home for the entire week, but I had placed too much confidence in myself based on her being here. I could tell she felt pressured by everything I wanted her to do. She really enjoyed several visits with family and friends. What I didn't calculate into the formula was that this was her vacation. She had saved up her vacation days for this week long visit and expected to be able to relax.
I couldn't relax, though. I had my visions of how everything should be and what I should do to make it so. I tend to bury my head in the sand when it comes to admitting that FTD limits what I can and cannot do. By Christmas Eve, I had put so much pressure on myself, that I had a major breakdown. My daughter and I had driven (a 3-hour round trip) to visit some family she wanted to see while she was up here. That took a six-hour chunk of time out of all the preparations I needed to do for Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas brunch and Christmas dinner.
Don't get me wrong, I would not have given up that visit for anything. That chunk of time, however, had me working in a frenzy to get things done. My husband was napping and my daughter was tired from the trip and was also napping. I started the preparations. I made the egg casserole we always have Christmas morning because it needs to sit overnight before baking. I cleaned and de-stemmed three pounds of spinach, some for the casserole and the rest that was supposed to be for the spinach pie I was making for Christmas Eve dinner. Small tasks, such as scrubbing the potatoes for the next day, piled up and I was exhausted beyond being able to do another thing. I gave up making the spinach pie (but used the filling for Christmas dinner vegetable instead of what was going to make, so it didn't get wasted). I cleaned up as best I could in my exhausted state, then woke my husband from his nap and told him all the prep was done for Christmas and that I didn't give a hoot (actually I used a much nastier term) what they ate for dinner, and I went to bed. Fortunately we had dined out the night before for our wedding anniversary so they had some really nice leftovers to eat.
Several hours later, when I ventured out from my room, they both asked the logical question of "Why didn't you wake us up and ask for help?" Seems rather obvious, doesn't it. But I couldn't do it. I had always done it all and expected me to do it all myself.
In addition to the Christmas Eve meltdown, I learned the hard way that the evil symptoms of FTD seem to get much, much worse when under stress. I spent much of the week not being able to swallow most foods and spent much of the week trying to speak. In addition to the stuttering I have been doing for a few months now, I would end up stammering a single syllable in the middle of a sentence until I would stop trying to speak. Once I stopped, which was often difficult, and calmed myself down, it was enough better that I could get the thought out.
All the Christmas week commotion brought out that no matter how many times I tell my family members and friends that I can only focus on one thing at a time, they just don't "get" it. Something as simple as putting cookies on a plate is one thing. If I get asked if I want them to serve drinks, is another. Even when I would start stammering and stuttering, they didn't understand. One thing is a simple task, one step in a task or even trying to formulate an answer to a simple question is my one thing. It is not the time to ask me anything or suggest anything. I end up not being able to do either thing, my brain becomes a big tangle of thoughts and nothing at all makes sense
I did wise up a little bit. When Christmas dinner was done, I got up from the table and went into another room. They got the hint and all the clean up was done.
Bottom line, lesson learned. From now on, no holiday dinners or celebrations will be hosted by me. Please, someone remind me of that when Easter gets here!
One side note. My daughter brought her two cats along for the week. Once they got used to me and would snuggle with me, I realized how comforting a pet can be to someone with FTD. I think it would be important that someone else was willing and able to care for the pet, but the comfort of a pet could be a true gift. Of course, it seems selfish to ask your caretaker, who is already stretched too thin, to take on another onerous task!
Today, everyone has left and left a huge void. Even with all the crappy stuff, it was a wonderful holiday!
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