I am so very thankful that I have a psychologist who helps me. Not only is she a psychologist, but she is one who specializes in dementia patients. No, I do not think that FTD is a mental health problem, but dealing with FTD can become a mental health issue.
I first sought out my psychologist when I was at an ultimate low and felt like I was at a breaking point. This was triggered by the frustration of being told by a prominent Alzheimer's research program that there was nothing wrong with me, not even MCI (Mild Cognitive Impairment). This was especially frustrating because one of their co-directors is the Neuro-Psychiatrist who first provided my diagnosis and had it confirmed by two SPECT scans, a year apart from each other.
I, of course, knew there was something wrong with my brain and was panicking that I would lose my Social Security Disability. It is only $800 per month and didn't come close to what I was making while I was working, but was certainly a big help to the budget.
I started calling around, especially to the largest psychiatric center in the area and they had no one who was familiar with FTD. They later, after I had also found her name, called me back with Dr. Spayd's phone number and recommended I call her. I was very fortunate that she did not have a waiting list at that time and got in to see her within two weeks. Good psychologists in this area are in high demand. I am now down to seeing her just once a month or more often if I have a crisis. Oh, and the report from the research center was incorrect.
I probably wrote about this in my blog when I first started it. What prompted me to write about this subject today, was a mini crisis. I immediately pulled out my calendar to make sure I was seeing her this week and I am scheduled for Wednesday. I think I can make it for three days.
It boggles my mind sometimes how I can be going along just fine, coping with everything that FTD throws in my face, then wham-o, something knocks me down. It is usually just something that seems so little and inconsequential, but when it gets piled on to everything else that someone with FTD deals with everyday, it becomes a crisis.
This is, of course, the holiday season which puts stress and strain on most everyone. As I wrote about last week, I thought I had everyone laid out in a way to limit the stress. I was setting smaller goals for each day to not only keep me from getting worn out physically, but mentally as well.
Today I had scheduled (well actually it was yesterday, but wasn't up to it and moved it to today) to wrap all the gifts. I have always disliked using gift bags for Christmas gifts, it just seemed to me that it made it look like I wasn't willing to make the effort to wrap the gifts. Plus wrapped ones look so pretty under the tree. I had finally convinced myself to at least use the bags for most gifts. When I mentioned to my daughter that most would be in bags, but everyone would have at least one or two wrapped ones. She, wise woman that she is, said "Why do you have to wrap any? Bags are fine!" So today, I spent about 2 1/2 hours working at it, and everything was packaged up looking pretty darned good, if I must say. I was feeling really good about it and about myself for accepting that I didn't have to do it all!
Then my husband comes up to me and asks if I didn't leave any paper and bows out for him. I explained, once again, that I was using gift bags and I did leave some out for him. He was adamant that he much preferred wrapping paper and bows because he was used to things being wrapped that way and thought it looked better. Gee, I wonder why I overreacted to that? Of course what I heard was that I was unable or too lazy to do things the "right" way. I doubt that he meant it like that at all, but, after feeling so good that the task was done and proud of myself for accepting the alternate way of doing it to make it easier, I sat for an hour with tears in my eyes, feeling like I was, once again, letting my family down.
I know the psychologist is going to tell me that this is his issue, not mine and that I am wise to cut back on the efforts needed for Christmas. I don't want to be exhausted once the holiday gets here. My remaining task is to start baking and freezing cookies. I make between 50 and 100 dozens of cookies each year to share with family and friends. Everyone looks forward to them and I view it as a gift of love. It does take a lot of effort, especially with FTD, which makes it difficult for me to follow a recipe, even ones that are very familiar to me. That is why I have done everything else early this year, so I would have the energy and time to do my baking.
I know that is what she is going to tell me, but I really need to hear it. That was why I was so relieved that I had an appointment in three days. I think, just maybe, I can keep from screaming at my husband and breaking down until then! I am so thankful that I found my psychologist and that her office is right here in our tiny little town. I don't think I would make it through this FTD battle without her. I think seeing a psychologist, especially one familiar with FTD, would benefit the one with FTD, as well as the caregivers. I don't think they should both see the same one though,
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