FTD is a horrible disease. It steals so much from you and from everyone who loves you. Most of all, it sometimes steals your happiness.
I try to not let the frustrations of my FTD ruin my attitude. Fortunately, one of the things it has not stolen from me is my sense of humor. Hmmm... unless it has convinced me that I am funny and I am not or that I am laughing at inappropriate things. Oops, yes the second part of that thought is accurate some days. You know that feeling you get at inappropriate times when something bad or sad somehow strikes you as funny. Fortunately, you know it isn't appropriate to joke about it and your sense of appropriateness stops you from saying what you are thinking or laughing. With FTD stealing that filter from me, I go ahead and say it or laugh. But, as usual, I digress.
I do still have a decent sense of humor and so does my husband. This leads to a lot of laughter around our house. The laughter lightens the load of all the crap FTD brings upon us. We even try to laugh at FTD. Of course, with my poor husband, he never knows when I will indeed think it i funny or if I will take offense and stomp out of the room. He doesn't give up though. His sense of humor has gotten us through a lot of rough times in our life.
A good example happened about 20 years ago. My father took his own life, shot himself. It was a really tough time for all of us. His neighbor whom I had called to go check on my dad, suggested that I contact the NRA. His thought was that since Dad was a life member, there may be a small insurance policy. Turns out there is, but only if the accident is hunting related. My husband quipped, "Do you think you could convince them he thought he saw a deer run through his bedroom?" Oh, totally inappropriate. Many of my family would have been appalled. Truthfully, now it doesn't sound all that humorous. Fortunately though, all who were there immediately started laughing and we continued for quite a while. It was just what we needed... comic relief! It was the first time we had laughed since it had happened and lightened our load so that we could get through the next week or so.
I tell this story, not to talk about this private issue, but to point out just how much we depend on humor in our lives.
The humor has been difficult to find lately. Between all the fighting between the politicians about the upcoming elections, the shooting of police officers and the bad economy that seems to keep hitting many of those we love, it is tough to find much amusement. I have really had to fight off the bad moods to keep myself from sinking into depression that seems to run rampant among those of us with FTD. Again this time, I am finding humor in a strange way.
The most recent new symptom I have developed thanks to FTD, is my left leg not seeming to get messages from my brain. My balance issues previously have been pretty much limited to my right leg, up until now. With the right one, the leg pretty much just doesn't move and stays in place on the floor. This throws my balance off and it causes me to fall. As long as I have my cane to lean on so that I can try to catch my balance, or nearby furniture to grab onto or those wonderful walkers they have in the front of a lot of stores. What? You haven't seen those? Oh, maybe you still call them shopping carts. To me, it's a great walker.
With my left leg, the leg gets the message from my brain to raise up so that I can move ahead but it stops right there. All of a sudden, I will come to a screeching halt with my leg up in the air. I have to consciously think "Hey, why is my leg up like that?" Once I do that, usually I can then get the signal from the brain to the foot to go down to the floor.
Since I have already taken so many precautions because of the right leg not cooperating, I have not yet fallen because of the left one. Because I just stand there with my leg up in the air for ten or fifteen seconds or more, it causes me to laugh. So far, it has always been with my cane in my hand, near something or someone to grab onto and it keeps making me laugh. I keep thinking of the Karate Kid's position in the movie where his one leg is up.
This symptom is probably thanks to the MND part of my diagnosis (bvFTD w/MND) or muscular neuron disease. It is, in effect, ALS, but I don't care to think of it that way because if I think about it that way, it is way too depressing. We have lost several friends to ALS and one of my high school friends, with whom I have recently reconnected, is now suffering from it. It is a truly frightening disease, even more so than FTD by itself. I admit to taking an ostrich view of it. If I don't think about it, it isn't there. Since there is no treatment or cure, in my mind it is a healthy way to look at it. I will worry about that tomorrow.
So I will continue to think of myself as the Karate Kid. I will continue to find humor and laughter in everything that I can. If I offend anyone by joking or laughing at the wrong time, if I pick up on it, I will apologize, explain the disease and keep on laughing.
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