When to Say "When"

Everyone needs to know when to say "when."  It is something that I definitely need to learn more. I will admit that I was never one to quit until something was finished or when I had done all that I could. I always believed that I could just do a little more and do it a little better. 

For instance, I believe I said last year in a blog around this time of year that I was done hosting Thanksgiving dinners. I explained that it was just too complicated for me to coordinate all the dishes to make sure everything was ready on time. It was also way too exhausting for me to complete.

I actually did remember that this year, but Thanksgiving, to me, is a family day. The only family I have near me is my sister and her husband. Unfortunately, she fell several weeks back and shattered her shoulder which required a total replacement. There was no way she could help, much less do it all. So, of course, I called and invited them over. 

Everyone said the meal was wonderful, but I know better. I could tell that most of the dishes were cold because I didn't do a good job of coordinating them all. I could tell how dried out the turkey was because I forgot to keep an eye on it. I learned how tough the turkey was the next day when I wd as preparing leftovers and my husband requested that I "find some tender pieces for him because all that he ate yesterday was too tough to chew." Guess who was told to fix his own turkey?

I had actually considered picking up one of those pre-cooked feasts from one of the local restaurants offering them. You pick them up the day before and then just have heat everything up. I knew they wouldn't be as good as homemade, so I couldn't accept that it would do. Next year, I hope I remember that even though I tried to make the meal simpler than usual, it was still too much. I needed to say "when" and that I had to stop trying to host the meal. I must say, though, that even with the frustration of doing the meal this year, I would never give up sharing the day with my family.

I am going to use this newfound knowledge when it comes to decorating for Christmas. I have about ten totes full of Christmas decorations, not including the tree and trimmings. I went downstairs this morning and pulled out less than two totes worth of decorations and am going to do my darnedest to stick to it. I already told my daughter that I was not putting up the tree. I figure it was to do all the decorating and forego cookie baking or the other way around. At least after Christmas, the cookies don't have to be taken down, boxed up and hauled downstairs.

It isn't just the holidays that require knowing when to say enough is enough. There are times I need to do things like totally staying away from the support groups for a few days. It isn't very difficult to ignore the support groups for caregivers as well as those with FTD because those are the ones that drain me the most. It is not pleasant to read caregivers talking about and criticizing the person they care for. In fact, it is very sad and depressing at time. It is the groups that are just for those of us with FTD that are nearly impossible for me to ignore. 

I get so much support from everyone else with FTD and feel guilty, beyond belief, if I am not there to support them just as much. I do not need to avoid these groups as much as the caregiver groups, but I need to know when it is time to say "when."  I am trying to learn that some days, if I am feeling depressed and not feeling like communicating, that this is probably not the time to be commenting or advising anyone about anything. If I cannot stay away (which is about 98% of the time) I am learning to just read through in case someone does need some urgent support. I may click on "like" or something with just a couple words, but try to not share my negativity and general grumpiness. In this, I am actually making progress on saying "when" and need to keep it up.

The next, and maybe largest, thing I have to learn is that I need to not count on others to do things for me. The hardest portion of this is to not rely on friends. Just when I have reached the point of saying that I have given up on friends, a friend will actually get in touch with me. They will do things with me, usually nice things like take me out somewhere even to just get out of the house. Unfortunately, it seems like everyone's limit is three times. We will go out and, to me, it seems like we are having a great time. I certainly know that I am and I truly believe the other person is as well.

Just as I am feeling great and enjoying myself, the calls and visits come to an end. I call them or send a message, just to say hello. They will usually say something about getting together soon. Soon never seems to come. Of course, with the paranoia I have with my FTD, I am always sure I offended them or did something wrong. I wrack my brain (what is left of it) and cannot come up with anything. It always seems like they were enjoying our time together just as much as I was. 

These experiences are extremely heartbreaking. I wonder if it is not time to say "when" on counting on having friends. They certainly seem to have the ability to decide when to say "when" with their dealing with me. It's like I climb out of my non-socialization hole for a few weeks, then it is "wham" back in the hole and it is just a little deeper each time. 

I have to remember how exhausting it can be to deal with someone with FTD. It can be difficult for them to realize just why I have to be home before sundown. It is probably quite frustrating to listen to me tell them the same stories over and over again. It can probably be exhausting to try to figure out what I am trying so say when my words are not coming out correctly. It is possible that, even though I think we are having fun, to others it is not worth dealing with all the baggage I bring with me.

It is certainly when to say "when" with this blog entry. I am not as depressed as this has made me sound. I am, though, still exhausted from the holiday and the thought of preparing for the next one. At least I don't do a big Christmas dinner. We have brunch which is much easier and is a very informal buffet. Some of us are even still in our pj's. You may want to read that as "Cindy is usually still in her pj's" and add in that she is drinking another Mimosa!