Narcissistic people tend to not be good caregivers. Obviously, it can cause a problem because they tend to think of themselves instead of the one for whom they are caring. This is not the best case scenario for care giving, but can actually still work if there is enough room for thinking of the one with dementia as well as themselves.
Unfortunately, I have known several people who have become caregivers for their own selfish reasons. In one case, he didn't want to look bad to all who knew him. His mother was very much admired and respected by the entire community. Adding to it is that they lived in a very small town where everyone knew, pretty much, what everyone else was doing. So he made a big production out of everything he did. He would tell everyone how he was taking supper to his mother every day. What he didn't say is that he was doing the absolute minimum he could. Usually, her supper consisted of two hotdogs from the local gas station that sold them two for a dollar. His mother was living alone and he was not helping with any upkeep of the house. He would pick up her medications from the drugstore on his way home from work, yes. What he didn't let people realize is that he would open the front door, throw them in and leave without so much as a "Hello, how you doing?" Eventually, he asked a social worker to inform the rest of the family that she must go to a nursing home. She did not survive long in the nursing home and it eventually came out that he never even visited her while she was there. I guess it was out of sight, out of mind. Plus, he no longer had to worry what other people were thinking of him since he had done "the right thing" to get her the best care.
I have witnessed several examples of a different type of scenario involving narcissists acting as caregivers. In this scenario, the caregiver gets involved, again, because it makes them look good to others. They jump in and totally assume all control over the life of the one with dementia. They seem to be willing to dedicate their lives to that care and go above and beyond what is normally expected. I find them easy to identify because they come off as totally phony. "Oh, just look at him, isn't he so sweet!" "It just makes me sooo.. happy that I can help her." "Doesn't she look pretty today? I love it! It's just like dressing a doll!"
In cases like this, anyone who has ever been a caregiver for someone with dementia can quickly see that they are doing what makes them feel good and look good rather than what is best for the one they are caring for. These people are usually pretty quick to burn out on care giving. Once they do, they often blame it on the one needing care. "Oh, he just doesn't appreciate what I do." or "She won't cooperate or do anything I say." Once again, it is about them. They appear to be good caregivers until the novelty wears off.
I actually had a friend who jumped into being my caregiver with both feet. At first it was wonderful. She would take me out so we could have lunch, take me to women's meetings at my church and when I needed it, she would take me to doctor's appointments. One of the first signs that things were not what they seemed was at the women's group meetings. There was always an opportunity for everyone to report on something good they did for someone during that month. I never raised my hand and reported on anything I did. I always believed that I did those things because I cared, I could and that this is what Christians do. Every month, though, she would report on what she did for me. There I sat next to her as she was telling people everything I "needed" her to do for me and soaking up the praise she received.
It got worse. She insisted on calling me every day. I hate talking on the phone, really, really hate it. She was constantly telling me what I "must" do and what I must say to others. She was pressuring me to leave my husband and move three states away to where my daughter lives. I kept telling her that, yes, I would love to do that but that I believed in that vow I took of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health." I will say that often she truly was a big help and stepped up when there was an emergency. As time went on, though, it just seemed like she was not only trying to prove to others that she was such a "good" person, but was also trying to control me.
For my own state of mind, even though she was a help, I had to break those ties.
I have witnessed other incidences where people jump into caregiving to make themselves feel good about themselves, as well as looking good to others. I have actually seen a case where the person jumped in and took over as a caregiver, forcing out the other person who had been doing a seemingly good job of it. I later found out that her husband had been pressuring her to get a job and she used this caregiving responsibility as an excuse as to why she could not possibly go back to work. Later, when she realized just how much work it was, she dumped the person back onto the previous caregiver.
Those of us with dementia and the majority of caregivers for someone with dementia are extremely aware of how difficult the job can be. For someone to jump in due to their own selfish reasons is not going to result in the best care, physically, emotionally and mentally. For someone with dementia to be yelled at about how they don't appreciate everything the caregiver is doing for them, it can be totally demoralizing.
For someone to make a big production out of taking over and acting as the caregiver and making others aware of everything they are doing, just raises red flags to me. Especially when they move the person with dementia into their homes, take over their finances and control everything they do. When this is done out of true love for the person, that is absolutely wonderful and a laudable action. When it is done to feel better about themselves and appear better to others, it is an absolutely selfish thing to do.
Yes the person with dementia needs assistance. However, the person with dementia needs love, respect, proper medical care and as active a life as possible while being provided with that assistance. When I say they deserve respect, I mean they do not deserve to overhear jokes about them, dementia or the funny or irritating things they do from time to time. They don't deserve to be talked about right in front of them, thinking that either they won't hear or they won't understand.
Fortunately, the majority of caregivers are not narcissists and truly do all they do out of love. They know it is a pretty much thankless job, yet they willingly do it anyway. They keep at it through exhaustion, frustration and heartache. These are people who should receive the glory for what they are doing, but that is the last thing they would expect. These are the caregivers who need to be thanked.
This week brings the Thanksgiving holiday to those of us living in the U.S. Let us all take the time to be thankful for the caregivers!
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