One of Those Days

Today was just one of those days. Then again, all days with FTD are "one of those days."

It is a Sunday and I was ready to relax, read the Sunday paper, do the puzzles, have an extra cup of coffee. Later, I would probably make a nice meal. Even though I am "retired" now and could make Sunday dinner every day, it is just not the same. I would probably even watch the baseball game. Actually, it's a good thing I didn't get to watch the baseball game, it was an ugly one. Lost by eight runs and left nine runners on base. Do the math... we should have won! "We" as if I am out there playing with them. It IS we, dang it. I have been following and loving the Pittsburgh Pirates my entire life. So, that was my plan for the day.

You guessed it by now, I am sure. The day ended up not going anything like the plan. We usually do our grocery shopping on Monday, maybe Tuesday if Monday is already scheduled. This coming week, Monday's schedule is full, Tuesday's schedule is full, as well as the rest of the days. That left two choices, going to the grocery store today or not going at all this week. I would probably have picked option #2, but no way my husband was agreeing to that one. Plus, we were out of cookies and we cannot have that!

I have blogged many times about the horrors of grocery shopping. Because it is one of the most stressful things I do in a week and I have been told it is for others with FTD, I have carefully developed ways to make it less stressful. Just making the list seems to be a huge stress in our house. I have learned to prepare the list one or two days before we plan to go, sort through the coupons and have it clipped together and ready to go. That way it eliminates one of the stresses on the actual shopping day.

I had not looked at my upcoming week's schedule beyond the out of town trip we need to make tomorrow for a doctor's visit. I was ready for that one, even have the restaurant picked out for us to go to lunch! This morning, my husband tells me we need to do the grocery shopping today. I took several deep breaths before responding, then agreed to go. This meant I must do the list and shop in the same day.

I am sure you are thinking "What is the big deal?" aren't you? I won't go into the whole "one thing at a time principal" as I have written about that too much already. That principle, though, is what makes making the list stressful. I have to go through the ad for what is on sale, go through my coupons, go through the pantry and frig to check on levels on items we might need. All through this is my husband saying "You don't need cream this week." Yes, I know, I am the only one who uses it. "I do need juice." Yes, I know, we get it every week. I ask something like "Do we need provolone cheese?" I am looking for yes or no. What I get is "Yeah, we could use some, but we don't need any cheddar, we have about half a bag of mozzarella and an unopened bag of..." Arrrrggghhh!!! After all that, my brain is screaming "Too much information, what do I do with it?" That makes me feel like my brain is actually spinning and unable to find where to stop. After that, I find it extremely difficult to concentrate on anything or to remain calm.

To then have to go to the grocery store with all the customers, children screaming, background music playing and dealing with "Where did they move the rice cakes this week?" It is too much! Even paying at the end, while my husband is doing the bagging because no bagger showed up, is a serious challenge. I am sure that the cashiers look up, see me and think "Oh, no, she came to my line again!"

I managed to only begin to freak out twice in the store and was able to walk away without screaming cuss words. That is quite an accomplishment. I managed to cope well once we got home as well. There was a phone message from our daughter, so I put away the essentials and then sat down and returned the call. Those minutes (okay, the half hour) of rest and sharing love calmed me down and removed the stress. I changed a couple things about my planned Sunday dinner that will leave us with a good and healthy meal, but will be less stressful and easier to complete. I realized that with all the stress earlier in the day, if one little thing went wrong with cooking (and it would have, it always does) I would be broken.

Why have I gone into so much drivel about an unplanned trip to the grocery store? It is to tell anyone with FTD and the caregivers to learn what stresses them and try to make concessions to the stress so that you don't ruin your entire day and the entire day for anyone around you. It is important to accept your limitations and let go of the guilt you feel because you can't do the things you used to. By doing that, it makes it easier to improvise and come up with ways to cope. By realizing that I was already stressed from making the list and preparing to shop, I was able to calm myself at the store for a change. By taking a break and then reducing my plans for the rest of the day, I made myself ready to be able to finish the day as calmly as possible.

Well, at least I hope so, I do still have to go cook that dinner. Wish me luck!