Rambling On...

About the best thing I can say about this past week is that the week is over.

Today I am physically and mentally exhausted. Night before last, I actually had 8 hours of continuous sleep. I felt so good when I woke up yesterday that I did some cleaning that I had been putting off because it took a lot of energy and effort to do it. I exhausted myself, but my brain still felt more alert than usual. So, what did I do? I tackled our tax return. Bear in mind, I used to prepare tax returns as part of my occupation and our tax return is pretty darned simple now that we are both retired. Plus, the software I use remembers all the stuff from the year before, so all I really have to do is plug in a few numbers. Nothing at all was different this year, just the numbers. Uh-huh.

When I was working, we would allow one hour to do a return. With ours being so straight forward, it wouldn't have taken me that long. Yesterday, I spent more time than that just organizing the statements I needed. It was three categories and not very many in either category, 2, 2 and 4. Over an hour to sort 8 pages of paper! I am amazed that I actually got the return done at all. I am not very confident that it was done correctly and I suspect this might be the last year I can do it. I was, however, very happy that I was able to do it one more time.

And, I ramble on...

I am tired of offending people. I am tired of people taking offense at what I say or do, especially when it is a person who knows I have FTD and actually knows enough about the disease to realize that I  have no filter between brain and mouth. Also known is the fact that I have no impulse control. The two pretty much go hand in hand and makes me a time bomb waiting to happen every time I open my mouth.

I recognize the fact that knowing these things is not the same as truly realizing what it means. I also recognize that some of the things that I spew forth can be hurtful. I also realize how much it hurts to be lashed out at about things I have said a long time ago and that are no longer in my memory bank. Perhaps if I am saying something hurtful, it would help to ask if it is me talking or my FTD talking. I suspect, though, after enough times of that, I would lose control. I don't think there is a solution to this problem.

I push myself to remember to control the impulses, but with no impulse control, it's hard to control them. Yes, I know how stupid that sounds, but I am trying to say that I just can't help it. Another problem is that what I say is not always what I am thinking about in my head.

I have begun to call this problem "word soup." The words are in there, but they are so mixed up that it is hard to distinguish the difference. I remember being embarrassed quite a few years ago, at an amusement park, when I went to ask a friend where the merry-go-round was. Instead I asked where the motorcycle was. Not much of a shock that all I got were blank stares. This instance was long enough ago, I do not really think it had anything to do with FTD, but who knows since they just don't know enough about this disease.

Often now, I will say something. Then after I have said it, I will think to myself that it just didn't sound right but I can't figure out what I said or even what I meant. It is getting scary since I know this will only get worse as time goes on.

I have learned to appreciate one of the worsening symptoms. I read on my Nook so that I can enlarge the print which reduces the problem of the double vision. I will go through the library of the books stored in the device and will see a book and think I didn't read it. I will read it again. There is this niggling feeling that I read it before, but I can't remember it. I have only been using my nook for 3 or 4 years, so I should be able to remember. I used to be able to talk about a book I had read more than 20 years ago. I guess the bright side would be that I can save money on buying books if I keep rereading the same ones.

I keep trying to see the bright side!