Just Pray Harder

I am finally going to tackle a subject that has been irritating me to no end. It is a challenge though. How do you talk about religion without offending anyone? I probably can't, so those of you who don't agree, please realize this will only express my feelings and I respect yours as well.

Recently, a friend who also has FTD was talking about an issue that has been with them for decades, but now with FTD, it is really bothering her. To put it behind her, she really feels she needs an apology from the one who wronged her. With the little I know of the problem, she certainly deserves one. I also am sure that she will never get one, which breaks my heart. She has been praying about it, but just can't seem to let it go.

I, also, had a violent act in my life that affected me greatly in the past. It has also been decades since this event and I had done a pretty good job of putting it behind me and rarely thought of it anymore. Then FTD hit!!! This event, along with a few other traumatic events, popped back into the forefront of my brain. I have tried praying, I have tried "giving it to God" to no avail. I can't say that I dwell on the subject, but I am back to the anger stage in trying to deal with it.

My friend and I have received the same advice from some others. We need to pray harder. We need to forgive. If we can't forgive, we aren't praying hard enough.  Excuse me? How can anyone presume to know what conversations I have with God or how often I have those conversations? How can anyone, who has not been through the same kind of event, decide that they know how to deal with it? I know how to deal with it, I dealt with it many years ago, but now, thanks to FTD, I must deal with it again.

FTD is different from Alzheimer's in the fact that those with FTD tend to not lose their memory until the advanced stages. Those with Alzheimer's tend to lose their recent memory pretty early in the process. I have spent much time with Alzheimer's patients who are totally living in the past, buried in their memories. Because of this difference, it doesn't seem to make sense that past traumatic memories have resurfaced and just won't go back into the past where they belong. Then again, what does make sense about FTD?

For someone to be judgmental about this, and tell us that we need to forgive, let it go and pray more, in my mind is unconscionable. To begin with, I firmly believe that everyone has their own relationship with God and that no one should presume that they may pass judgement on mine. Also, when someone is struggling to deal with an issue like this, the last thing they need is to be judged by someone who knows nothing about the issue.

My faith brings me great comfort in dealing with FTD. It also brings me comfort in dealing with my past issues. That comfort comes from, through the help of God, being able to forgive myself and to rid myself of the unreasonable idea that it was my fault. I have also been able to forgive those who "trespassed against me." Unfortunately, with FTD, it comes down to the adage of "forgive but don't forget". It is stuck in my brain and won't move out. No amount of "praying harder" is going to make a difference. I don't believe you have to beg God. He knows what I truly need.

The hypocrites who think they can preach at me are useless to me. The people in my church, those who seem to think they know all about dementia and have decided (and made it clear to me) that there is nothing wrong with me because I don't have all the Alzheimer's symptoms, no longer have a place in my life. I forgive them, but I don't need to expose myself to that negativity. Positive things help me deal with FTD, not negative ones. The same goes for the people in my church who say they care about me, but when they think I cannot see, they roll their eyes or look at me with disdain.

These are the same people who ask why I don't attend church or the social functions of the church. The biggest reason I don't attend is the crowds. You put me with more than two or three people and I become extremely stressed and my symptoms worsen. For the past 3 or so years, I have been able to manage to attend a small group meeting within the church. However, after a few months of being totally ignored during the potluck dinner and the meeting, excluded from conversations and being looked at in a disdainful way (and, no, I don't imagine it), I can no longer handle the stress of that either. Like I said before, I need positive influences, not negative ones. What is interesting to me is that the so-called "pillars of the church" seem to be the worst offenders. I suspect they are also some of the ones who think I just need to pray harder...