It has reached the point that when I hear someone tell me "You look really great," I feel like I should apologize for it. The reason is simple. I have been told so many times that I look really good so I must not actually have dementia. I get the same thing when someone realizes that I can usually still carry on an at least a semi-intelligent conversation or that I can read and write (type, no one could read my handwriting after about two words). So when someone says that I look really great, I actually hear that I really look good so I can't possibly have dementia.
My usual response is that yes, I am very fortunate and that I am thankful that I have FTD and not Alzheimer's. I no longer try to educate individuals about FTD unless they show a bit of interest in what it is and what I am dealing with. It is simply a waste of my time and energy. I wish I could say something like that I wish their ignorance of forms of dementia other than Alzheimer's would make it so. Neither FTD or Alzheimer's is better than the other. They are both terminal diseases that rob you of your abilities, both mental and physical, and memory. To simplify it, the biggest difference between any of the dementias is that the stages of loss come in different orders.
I find myself constantly apologizing for my dementia. I do this often when I am attempting to check out at a store or order food at a restaurant or when asking for instructions. I have to take things very slowly and one step at a time or I get very confused and agitated. When the person I am dealing with or those who are in line behind me start getting impatient, I immediately start apologizing. This happens often enough that it has become ingrained in me.
Maybe I should wear a shirt that says "I am not a liar, I really do have dementia."
What I should not have to explain or justify is that I probably do look pretty good. I have lost over 50 pounds in the last five years. I also had cataract surgery so I no longer must wear eyeglasses that were almost half an inch thick. I also take the time to apply a little makeup to make myself feel a little better about myself. I also often wear some colorful jewelry to brighten up my face. It brightens not only my face but also my spirits, just a bit, to know I look as good as possible.
I thank God every day that I can still read a book or write a blog. The doubters do not realize that I read books that I used to think were a waste of time, the light-hearted ones that you know how it's going to end after the first chapter. Well, at least I used to know. They don't know how many words I have to stop and look up because I forget what they mean. (Thankfully, my Nook allows me to click on the word and the definition comes up for me.) They have no clue as to how long it takes me to write a blog entry. They have no clue that my jacket is hanging open because I can no longer figure out how to use the zipper and refuse to ask someone to help me.
The doubters also don't stop and think that I speak a lot slower than I used to. I do this because the thoughts do not formulate as quickly as before. They don't realize that I have only stuttered or used incorrect words a few times during our conversation. That it is because I am having a few moments of clarity.
The one thing I absolutely refuse to apologize for is making my "friends" feel awkward to the point that they avoid me as much as possible, if not totally. Just about all of my "before FTD" friends are in this category. My "after FTD" friends are the real deal. They accept me as I am and are not embarrassed to be seen in public with me. While these friends are smaller in number, they are much better people in my book. I haven't had to apologize to a single one of them.
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