This week has been stressful as we get closer and closer to Christmas. We are travelling to our daughter's home this year, so planning and stress has increased. I've made lots of lists which certainly help. The biggest thing that helps is the realization that it doesn't matter if I forget anything or don't get something done. The only thing that matters is that I get to see our daughter for Christmas! The gifts are wrapped, the baking is done and cookie trays have been delivered or mailed. I cut back on the number of cookies baked and gifts bought to reduce the stress and it doesn't matter because those aren't the important things. Though some who love my cookies may disagree.
Today is Sunday, but we still had to run some errands. We needed to get what I need for Christmas dinner and also sent a list to my daughter of what I need her to have on hand. I have kept our Christmas dinner simple and she will help me cook, so no worries there. We went to the state liquor store to get some bubbly for Christmas morning mimosas and some wine for with the dinner (okay, I'll admit it, I had to call my daughter and ask her "what is that wine I like?") then went to my favorite Hallmark store. They called a couple days ago to invite me to their "secret sale." They started this a couple years ago. They call their "top customers" and invite them in, with a code word, so we can get the day after Christmas bargains ahead of time. Since there is no way I would venture out the day after, just like I avoid Black Friday, I love this opportunity.
I just love this Hallmark store. It's not the biggest of ones of all that I have frequented in the various places I have lived across the country, but it is definitely the friendliest. The same pleasant, lovely ladies have worked there forever, or at least for the 10+ years we have lived here now. They almost always remember my name, maybe only the first or the last, but they always seem happy to see me and I am just as happy to see them. Today, though, I made a total fool of myself. My FTD kicked in big time and got me totally confused and befuddled, enough so that it was plainly obvious. The loveliest lady of all was helping me and was as sweet and helpful as always, very patient and understanding. When I still couldn't remember what the ornament was that I still wanted, she said to just call her when I remember and she will set one back for me. See what I mean? Wonderful store, wonderful service! Unfortunately, just as I was turning away from her, I saw "the look." What look, you say? The look of sympathy, the look of "that poor woman, what a shame," the look of pity... that look!
The look comes from love and caring, but it totally defeats me sometimes. I don't want to be the person who is pitied. I am so very proud of all that I can still do and still have my pride, maybe too much, but I definitely have it... until I see the look. I don't know how to explain to you how to not show it. It is pretty difficult when you see someone you care about being defeated by FTD, or any other dementia, to not feel sympathy or pity to some extent. Perhaps my advice would be to just hold it in a few more seconds until you know they can't see it in your eyes.
Above all else this week, I wish you all a very blessed and Merry Christmas. May it be filled with love and comfort and even throw in a big bunch of fun!
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