Decisions, Decisions

I sat down to write this blog because, even though it taxes my brain at times, my body needs to rest. Both are exhausted but this will use my brain differently than it has been the past few days. 

When my husband died back in November, I promised myself that I would not make any important decisions for six months. Here it is, only three, and I have made a huge one. If you don't know, I live in beautiful Central Pennsylvania very close to where I grew up. My adult daughter is firmly ensconced in the southern part of North Carolina. She has a great job and quite a few friends. I would never ask her to move back here. 

Instead, I am taking the leap and moving down there. I met with a realtor last week and will activate the listing in two weeks if I get everything spruced up by then. This is a monumental task for anyone, much less someone with FTD. I am blessed to have a niece and her fiance who are always willing to lend a hand even during the times when all I can do is watch them work. I also have my sister and brother in law who will do anything I ask of them.

They are the four whom I will miss the most when I move. There is only a small handful of others. I do not count those who say to call them anytime for help. Oops, they are busy that day or Aunt Susie's granddaughters's friend's next door neighbor needs them to help them that day. They are also the same friends and family who never call, visit or invite me to join in family functions. 

Anyone with FTD understands what I am saying. Because these people are uncomfortable with my new normal, they are more comfortable avoiding contact. I can only assume that if they don't see me, that I and my FTD don't exist.

I know making this move is risky in that all the work, planning and confusion could cause my FTD to worsen. So this is a conscious decision to take the risk that will help me more in the end. In the meantime, the local Rescue Mission loves me. They have come three times already with their large van to take things to their thrift store and I am well into the fourth load. My trash man may not though. One side of my double garage is filled half way back from the door with things to go out. I guess he really does love me because he told me not to worry, just give him a call when I am done or nearly so, and he and his guys will come pick it up right from the garage.

I have been packing some things already, especially in my husband's dungeon, pack rat haven or whatever you want to call what he insisted was his office. I am having it brightened up with some paint so I had to pack a lot of things to make room for the painter. However, I do not plan to do it all myself. I will hire packers to do what I don't get around to doing. I am trying to pace myself and not do too much in one day.

I present you with a word of advice. Sort through all your stuff now while you still can. Possibly even mark who gets sentimental or valuable items to avoid family feuds later. Doing a little each day should not exhaust you too much.

Enough about all that. I am pacing myself but, yes, I do realize I will exhaust myself. 

As I mentioned earlier, my husband died on Nov. 18th, 2019, from complications from Alzheimer's Disease. His choice was to have his body donated to science and, once we were not wrapped up in mourning any longer, to return to his hometown in Illinois and have a Celebration of Life. He was surely thinking of making it as easy for me as possible. He also had not cultivated any friends since we moved here and joked that no one would show up anyway. Many were shocked that I had no viewing or funeral service but I honored his wishes.

My daughter and I are trying to plan this celebration for a weekend in May, working three states apart and three states to his hometown. Last Fall, I purchased a notebook with erasable marker pages. For anyone who is not super-organized, it is a great help. I started using it when my husband began getting hospice support here at home. Next was for all the paperwork I needed to complete. There was a long list of that! I simply erase as I accomplish a task. I am using it again for the celebration and for the move. It may just be tricking me into feeling organized, but I'll take even that. Before you ask, you can see them online at The Grommet. They are not cheap, but well worth the price and should last forever.

Forgive me because my mind is just spinning and where it stops, no one knows. I sure don't. I learned a huge lesson yesterday and today. On Facebook, I re-posted what I thought was a hysterical political meme. Mind you, I usually avoid any political posting but this made me really laugh. In my mind, it was making fun of every political entity, not just one candidate. This meme did not even mention a particular candidate. Holy crap!  I was attacked. One person assumed that I was an uneducated, unaware idiot and suggested I find a child who could educate me. I will never, ever post another even remotely political item on Facebook. Since I have had FTD, I have the most horrible of all paranoia and I take everything seriously and to heart. I don't understand sarcasm either, but I do know that was not what this attack was.

I can survive moving, dealing with selling the house, attending conference and planning my husband's Celebration of Life. I cannot survive being attacked by others who happen to disagree with me. They can disagree all they want and even post that they do but attacking someone so viciously is nearly unforgivable. I will survive though because I recognize that there are a huge gambit of opinions out there and everyone is entitled to theirs, even me, the uneducated one who needs to be taught by a child.  

Maybe I will ask the 3-year old boy I am going to meet tomorrow. I am betting that what I will learn is that we should respect everyone and their opinion. That we can have opposing views of each other civilly and still respect the other because we are all in this together.

Hmmm..., this could be said about all of us with FTD as well, couldn't it?