Another person with FTD, one whom I now consider a friend, asked me if I had ever written a blog about "Toxic People". I looked back through the years of blog entries and did not find one where I specifically used this term. I have, however, written about a lot of people who do become toxic. Many of them I wrote about in a blog back in September of last year. It was titled "Deniers, Disbelievers and Ostriches." Certainly the people I was describing are what are now labeled as toxic people. (https://ftdnoflowers.blogspot.com/2017/09/deniers-disbelievers-and-ostriches.html)
Before I get into this subject, I must remind all the readers that I am not a doctor nor a therapist. I have taken just a few courses in psychology but not nearly enough. I have been blessed with a lot of common sense and powers of observation and that is what I use when I write about life with FTD. Of course I live with my own FTD as well and have been a caregiver for several family members, including my husband at the present time. I also am lucky that my FTD has not stolen my reading ability and I do a lot of that and always have. That said...
I have seen toxic people described as draining, non-supportive and difficult. Those of us with FTD need to be surrounded with as many people as possible who are supportive, understanding, patient and enjoyable to be around. As with most people, we have to learn who are positive people to be around and those who are not.
It is difficult to remove yourself from a person who is toxic to your well being. There are probably a lot of people in all of our lives who were tolerable before our disease but no longer are. This would include people we have know for a long time or have forced themselves into our lives to make themselves feel better. It takes courage and strength to weed these people from your life but your life can be much better without exposure to them.
I had a friend who jumped into my life with both feet when she learned I had FTD. She claimed she knew all about it and understood what I needed. I think that meant she must have read a couple paragraphs about it. She was one of those people who wanted to talk to me every day. Notice I said "talk to" because that is what it amounted to. I used to joke that if I wanted to get her off the phone, I only needed to say something about myself. She also believed she knew everything I should do and would keep badgering me about it. When we were around others, she would answer for me. It took me a long time to shut down this relationship. It came down to my not wanting to hurt her feelings to the detriment of my own. I can not begin to describe the extreme relief it was to have this narcissist out of my life when I finally made the break.
Another person I needed to remove from my life was one who was constantly telling me details about other people in her life. This included many private things that I am sure the other person did not want to be shared. I came to realize that she was more than likely doing the same with everything she knew about my private life.
So, how do you recognize toxic people? I have learned that if I don't look forward to seeing them or hearing from them, there is certainly something about them that is not a positive influence on my life. Another sign can be that you feel worse or totally exhausted after dealing with them than you did going in.
Toxic people are not limited to just friends and acquaintances, They can also be family. It seems there is always at least one person in the family who bulldozes over everyone else. They manage to manipulate situations to make others look bad in order to make themselves the hero or the injured party in the situation. They love to tell everyone else about what you "did to them" when it was all engineered by them. This is truly a person who is toxic to all around them.
One type of situation that immediately comes to mind involves grandparents. Of course it can be other relatives as well, but I see it often with grandparents. The biggest example of this is plain emotional blackmail. "If you want to see your grandchildren you must ..." It can be financial demands, babysitting or anything they want to force the grandparents to do.
When I see this type of emotional blackmail, I get furious. Children are not things to be used as a bargaining chip. Grandparents can be one of the best influences for children. They generally have more time and patience to give them, teaching them and nurturing them in love. I know that, personally, some of the best moments of my life were summers that I spent with my grandparents. I learned so much from them and I think they learned from me. I always knew I was loved even when I was away from them. This was during the time that the term "generation gap" came into play. There was no generation gap in my life. I actually won a competition with my response to the question "What do you think of the generation gap and how can it be fixed?" by explaining that with me as an example, there did not need to be a gap.
One person told me that their children would not allow the grandchildren see their grandparents because "Grandma is too sick for you to go there." Yes, FTD is a disease, but it is not the kind of sickness that was being suggested. I suspect that, in this case, the children had not bothered to learn anything about FTD and equate it with mental illness. I should explain that this grandmother is in earlier stages of FTD and the grandfather is also in the home in case any issues did arise.
Toxic people can also destroy relationships by controlling events. They can make plans with someone and then not show up no matter how much the other person was looking forward to the event. Another way is to have a gathering of family members or friends and not invite the one with FTD. Come on people, we always find out!
Within the last month, there were two weddings I was not invited to. One was a family member and one was a long-time friend. In this day of social media, it's pretty difficult to keep a wedding a secret. I kept waiting for an invitation to each of them, finally realizing it was not coming. The ironic part is that they were both out of town so that I would not have been able to attend anyway. I finally convinced myself to let it go and be happy that there were two wedding gifts I did not need to buy.
Many people with FTD have difficulty speaking. There are subgroups of FTD called PPA, Primary Progressive Aphasia. With this type, thinking of words, speaking words or coming up with the correct words can all become difficult or impossible. Too many people are just not comfortable when trying to communicate with anyone who does not speak well. Others assume that if you can't think of words or say them, that you must be stupid. This is ridiculous, rude and definitely toxic to those with PPA. How difficult is it to slow down, listen with patience and try to understand. You know I have to say it... "Those with FTD have dementia, they don't have stupid." That includes PPA.
You often hear the phrase "you learn who your friends are when...". Yep, you certainly do with FTD. Family members and people you thought were friends seem to disappear. I cannot figure it out. Are they afraid it is contagious? Are they afraid they won't know what to say" Are they afraid we will make demands of them? I doubt that I will ever figure it out. All most of us want is time with family and friends so that we can feel normal for just a little while.
Oh, and one other type of toxic people can be caregivers. Whether they expect too much of us, don't allow us to do things we are capable of doing, try to force us to do things we are not capable of, try to control every second of our day or talk down to us as though we are children, it hurts. The worst thing, in my opinion, that toxic caregivers can do is to talk about us negatively or complain about how difficult their task is when we are right there hearing what is being said. We need to be encouraged, not complained about. Care giving is a tough job, but so is having FTD.
Can those of us with FTD be toxic to others? Probably since we are not that different from everyone else. If we are, it should be remembered that we more than likely can not help being the way we are. We are still fighting the lack of impulse control, empathy and all the other dreadful symptoms of FTD. Most often, we truly cannot control what we are doing. Please treat us with kindness and understanding... Please!!!
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