Some days, I feel extremely stressed and angry. I would think this is pretty normal for anyone dealing with FTD. Some days, my almost constant FTD headache is worse than others and is definitely worse on the days that I am feeling stressed and angry. The disease just plain sucks, as I have probably said before.
I have been trying to figure out why some days are worse than others. It is pretty easy to see how the stress and anger would go hand in hand. If I am more stressed, it would certainly be easier to become angry, even if I am just angry that I have to feel stressed that day. Of course the reverse would be true as well. I think anger probably stresses anyone, FTD or not.
I have posted many times about how those of us with FTD can only handle one thing at a time. If I am trying to read, don't interrupt me to ask a question unless absolutely necessary. If I am cooking, don't start talking to be about anything. Don't even ask me (at least not more than once) if I need any help. Don't ask me if I want you to set the table, just do it! I could go on and on with examples, but I am sure everyone gets the general idea.
What most people don't get, and I just figured it out recently, is too many questions is just the same as trying to focus on too many things. If you come to me to ask a question, once I have given you my answer, it is time to drop it! If you keep going, giving me several options of how else it could be or keep telling me why you think your way is best, I am going to snap. I guarantee it. Once I answer a question, I am done with it. If you truly did not want my opinion, why ask me and then try to convince me otherwise.
The other factor is that I am not usually sitting around just waiting to be asked a question or given information about things that I don't care or need to know about (i.e. sports). Stop and think about it. I am fortunate enough to still be able read, which I celebrate often in these blogs. It does, however, keep getting more difficult. Some times I need to reread a page a few times to understand what I am reading, or go back a few chapters to try to remember why such and such is happening now. This can be stressful, but if I am sitting in a quiet room by myself, I can handle it and still enjoy the reading. However, if I am sitting on the sofa and someone else is watching television, it becomes a problem. I usually do pretty well at blocking out the noise of the tv, but if someone starts commenting on what is on the tv, it is an entirely different situation. Now I actually have 3 things going on... reading, blocking out the tv noise, and having to listen to conversation. Another example that pops to mind is that if I have been brave enough to face shopping and I find something I want to buy, I don't need anyone picking up something else and saying "maybe you like this one better" "or are you sure the color is right?" If I am brave enough to face a store, I want in and out quickly. Find what I want and get out. That is more important to me than dithering over which one is the most perfect. A little bit perfect is just fine.
Today, I was unloading trick or treat bags. We usually get around 20 costumed visitors, so I made up 30 identical bags. That way, I would not have to deal with kids grabbing things out of my basket or asking for a particular kind of candy they can see, because that caused a lot of stress last year. It worked perfectly! Well, it worked perfectly because we only had one kid show up. He was cute enough to make up for not having any more... the cutest little blue furry dinosaur ever!!! Anyway, today I decided I should separate everything out of the treat bags. I was happy, sitting on the sofa, making piles of the different items from the bags.
Earlier in the day, I had asked my husband if he could redo the list of my medications that I carry in my wallet. I wanted it smaller so that it would fit better. He came back three times, interrupting my task to show the results to me. Each time, it was to show me an example of what he thought would be better. When I was not completely happy, he tried to convince me that his way was better. When I again explained what I wanted, he insisted on explaining to me why he did it his way. After the third time, I told him exactly what to do to make it the way I originally asked for it. Yes, he made the mistake of saying just one more thing. I started yelling! Was he to blame? Not really, he was only trying to make it perfect (the hazard of living with a perfectionist" for me. The problem was that he wasn't really listening to me as to exactly what I wanted... instead, he was trying to figure out what he thought I should want. All out of pure love. Was I to blame? Somewhat, I guess. I should have taken a few deep breaths before I snapped, but FTD does not allow me to do that. There is no filter between brain and mouth. What I think, I spit out. Sometimes I think FTD stands for "freeing the demon" because that darned irritable demon keeps popping out of me!
It is is difficult, even for me, as well as my loved ones, to realize that even one task that involves multiple steps is way too much for me to handle. What I was doing, sorting out the candy, should not have been a major project and wouldn't have been pre-FTD. I would have been able to be doing a couple other things at the same time, no problem. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way anymore and is not going to go away or get better. I think my loved ones forget that. They see me having a decent day, accomplishing some things and smiling, and think that today will be different for my brain. I wish it did work that way...
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