Headaches and Heartaches

Have I mentioned the headaches in previous blogs? I truly cannot remember, but if I did, it is worth mentioning again.  I have suffered from migraines all my life and firmly believed there was nothing worse.  Now, I know I am wrong.  These FTD headaches are much worse and they continue for days at a time.

It is difficult to explain these headaches.  Mine start in the back of my head, and when they are first coming on, my head will actually move forward when the pains hit.  It feels like someone has pounded a large hot nail into my skull with just one hit.  These pains can come seconds apart or minutes. Eventually, thank God, the headaches go beyond this stage, but then, the entire left side and top of my head will hurt.  I have not been able to correlate the headaches to anything else going on with me, neither stress nor diet.  Medications don't seem to help.  Well, I should not say that as a broad fact.  I will not take pain medicines stronger than Tylenol or Advil.  Any of the prescription pain medications make my brain more confused than it is usually.

As I type this, it has now been four days.  Thankfully, not all of them last this long, but I have had them last longer than a week.  They succeed in limiting my lifestyle even more than this disease does on a regular basis. It becomes difficult to concentrate on anything at all.

The reason these headaches are weighing on my mind this week, in addition to experiencing the pain. I am going to have disappoint a friend this weekend.  I was planning on attending her wedding, not the reception, but at least the ceremony itself.  The first thing that started to worry me was the headache and if it would ease up before the day.  Today, to help me get comfortable with going, my husband drove me to the chapel where it will be held.  Guess what?  No parking nearby!!  Not even handicapped parking that we could find that would be less than the equivalent of about a two block walk.  Even using my cane, I would not be able to walk that far without falling at least once.  I just can't do it.

One of the first things I had to give up to this disease was driving, even before I could no longer work.  My husband, God bless him, would drive me to work and return at the end of the day to drive me home. I missed my independence that I lost by not being able to jump in the car and going somewhere, without coordinating with someone to drive me. I never dreamed that I would have to also give up walking.  I gave up the resistance to a cane about six or eight months ago.  I am getting to the point that I am considering a walker.  It is difficult to explain to anyone that it is not that my legs are getting weaker. The best way I can describe it is that the signals from my brain no longer get to my feet and legs to tell them to move.

I detest disappointing people. I have been the caretaker and mediator all my life, since I was a small child, the one who tried to keep things calm at home and everywhere else.  It is just not in my makeup to disappoint people without disappointing myself even more. I am though, thankfully, aware enough of my limitations to not put myself in danger in order to prevent disappointing.

Bottom line, this week, two big aches.  One, literally a headache, the other breaks my heart.  I am not sure which is worse...