From reading posts on Facebook, it seems I am not the only person with FTD who experiences this problem. I cannot still do all the things that I used to be able to do. This frustrates me to no end. Some days I feel totally useless. There are two things that compound these useless feelings. The first is when family members, and in some cases, friends refuse to recognize this fact. They assume that I can still do all the same things. What makes this so bad is that they ask me to do something that I am no longer comfortable doing, usually because I have been embarrassed by trying to do the same or a similar thing previously.
I have a friend who admits that she is in total denial that there is anything wrong with me. The coincidence of this is, that one of the first things that clued me into the fact that there was something wrong happened when we met for lunch a few years ago, before diagnosis. We were sitting in at a table in our local Applebee's when I realized my shirt was inside out. Now, I probably wouldn't see anything wrong with that, but back then it really embarrassed me.
My husband is so very supportive of me. He readily admits that I have FTD and that it has progressively worsened. But he tends to think of me as I was before FTD. I tend to think of this as the love filter. He desperately wants me to be the same. He doesn't want to face the horrid facts of the disease. He also thinks I can still do a lot of the things I used to be able to do. I try to cook every evening and he tries to help out, but I am not sure that he realizes that there are days when I just don't feel like I can do it or want to make the effort. On those evenings, he will gladly take a bigger role in helping or will run out to get something, but I don't think he gets why I can't make the effort sometimes. Plus, I am so very reluctant to ask for help, because I don't want to admit to myself that I can't do it.
The biggest problem we have, is that he still thinks I can take care of "things." He was a busy executive in the healthcare industry and worked very long hours, and often on the weekends. I, fortunately had been taught by my father to be self-reliant and could do a lot of household repairs. What I couldn't do, I was good at arranging it to be done. I managed everything. Problem is, he still thinks of me as able to do all of it. He willingly encourages me to hire people to do all the stuff I used to do, don't get me wrong. Problem is, I have had trouble, for the last two or three years, making phone calls. Some days I can't handle talking on the phone either. Part of this is the difficulty I have getting thoughts or words out so I end up stuttering or just coming up blank. Still, every time something needs to be arranged, he turns to me to do it, whether on the phone or online. When I appear reluctant and say that I don't want to, his response is usually "But you do it so much better than I do!" I know, I should just refuse to do it, but then it falls into that category of feeling useless. It is a never-ending cycle. I end up doing it successfully, albeit totally uncomfortably, so he continues expecting me to do it.
The other compounding factor is that some days I convince myself that surely I can still do this easy task. I end up having to ask for help (this has always been difficult for me to do) or don't ask and then end up breaking down.
It all boils down to total frustration, disappointment in myself and usually depression for days.
I have seen so many caregivers of persons with FTD complaining on Facebook about their "loved" ones being just as I have described, unable to do the things they used to do or that the caregiver wants them to do. Some of them say horrible, horrible things. I have tried explaining to them that their loved one is just as frustrated as they are and that it is not that the person is choosing to not do something, it is that they cannot do these things anymore. I cannot imagine what indignity these people with FTD are suffering. It angers me beyond belief. It defies logic for them to think that their loved one is intentionally messing their pants and that they just don't want to bother going to the bathroom or cleaning themselves up. No one would make that choice. It just seems cruel that they would think that and I can only imagine what abuse they are heaping on their so called loved one.
Please, please, please, if you are caring for someone with FTD, please realize that we slowly lose the ability to do things. This disease is fickle and most of us with it vary in what symptoms we develop, so you can't really compare one to another. But trust me, not one of us loses our abilities intentionally. Believe it or not, it frustrates us as much, if not more, than it does you, the caregiver. We also are aware that we are progressively losing abilities, both physical and mental, and developing new pain. I cannot begin to describe the headaches. Think of the worst headache you have ever had and multiply by at least three and you might start to get an idea. We also recognize what a horrible death we are facing and each new symptom that we develop scares the living crap out of us. But this depressing topic that I will save for another day. After all, if I don't think or talk about it, it won't happen... right? Please?
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Give Us a Little Respect... PLEASE?
A week or so ago, a gentleman from the church we both belong to asked about my health. I was walking with a cane and he was concerned that I had a reccurrence of the cancer I had about eight years ago. I told him that I did not, that it was Fronto Temporal Dementia. His response was "You do know that if you know you have it, you don't have it very bad, don't you?" I replied saying that while that is often true for Alzheimer's Disease, it was not with FTD. He turned and walked away from me. Apparently trying to educate him was an insult because he knew more than I did.
I have learned from people like this to never question someone's word that they have an illness. While I realize many have good intentions and are trying to make me feel better, hearing over and over that there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me, that I look really good, hurts. It comes across as though they think I am lying. No, I am pretty good at smiling and faking it, at least for short periods of time. Even that is getting more difficult now that I am having more and more speech problems.
I do not want sympathy and certainly don't want people "fussing" over me. I just want people to not dispute that I have an illness, even though they have never heard of it. It amazes me at the numbers of people who are close friends or family members who don't bother even googling it to get a little information. Several have actually told me, "I guess I am in denial that there is anything wrong with you." I understand their not wanting there to be something wrong, but their denying it just makes me feel more isolated. It seems that in order for some to deny that I actually do have a life threatening disease, they have to avoid me totally.
I get so tired of getting the disgusted look like people are thinking I am drunk because I can't walk right. I get so tired of people getting frustrated when it takes me a long time to get a sentence out or when they jump in and try to finish the sentence for me. What they add is usually not the point I was trying to make at all.
I have had several people tell me they have missed me at social meetings. I am assuming they are being truthful. I, however, cannot force myself to be truthful in return. My response would be, "Then why did no one include me in a single conversation the last time I was there?" or "Why, when I left my purse behind and someone had to return it to me, did she seem like I was a royal pain in the rear?" No, I lie and say that I forgot about the meeting or some flimsy excuse. I have noticed, though, that none of them call to remind me of the meetings. The last meeting I attended, I was trying to do something, and because I was doing it slowly, someone jumped in and kept telling me what to do and doing things so quickly that I lost track of what was going on. What I was trying to do was sell some items that I was regularly selling to earn money for the causes that our group serve. In the end, my inventory was totally messed up and I had to recount everything the next day. She could have helped by assisting me, helping me calculate the balances due, but doing it at my speed. I have since resigned from this particular fund-raising duty.
I will quit ranting. The purpose of writing all of this is to stress the importance of treating someone with FTD with respect and consideration, not dismiss them from your life. Most of us do still have things to contribute, despite our limitations.
I have learned from people like this to never question someone's word that they have an illness. While I realize many have good intentions and are trying to make me feel better, hearing over and over that there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me, that I look really good, hurts. It comes across as though they think I am lying. No, I am pretty good at smiling and faking it, at least for short periods of time. Even that is getting more difficult now that I am having more and more speech problems.
I do not want sympathy and certainly don't want people "fussing" over me. I just want people to not dispute that I have an illness, even though they have never heard of it. It amazes me at the numbers of people who are close friends or family members who don't bother even googling it to get a little information. Several have actually told me, "I guess I am in denial that there is anything wrong with you." I understand their not wanting there to be something wrong, but their denying it just makes me feel more isolated. It seems that in order for some to deny that I actually do have a life threatening disease, they have to avoid me totally.
I get so tired of getting the disgusted look like people are thinking I am drunk because I can't walk right. I get so tired of people getting frustrated when it takes me a long time to get a sentence out or when they jump in and try to finish the sentence for me. What they add is usually not the point I was trying to make at all.
I have had several people tell me they have missed me at social meetings. I am assuming they are being truthful. I, however, cannot force myself to be truthful in return. My response would be, "Then why did no one include me in a single conversation the last time I was there?" or "Why, when I left my purse behind and someone had to return it to me, did she seem like I was a royal pain in the rear?" No, I lie and say that I forgot about the meeting or some flimsy excuse. I have noticed, though, that none of them call to remind me of the meetings. The last meeting I attended, I was trying to do something, and because I was doing it slowly, someone jumped in and kept telling me what to do and doing things so quickly that I lost track of what was going on. What I was trying to do was sell some items that I was regularly selling to earn money for the causes that our group serve. In the end, my inventory was totally messed up and I had to recount everything the next day. She could have helped by assisting me, helping me calculate the balances due, but doing it at my speed. I have since resigned from this particular fund-raising duty.
I will quit ranting. The purpose of writing all of this is to stress the importance of treating someone with FTD with respect and consideration, not dismiss them from your life. Most of us do still have things to contribute, despite our limitations.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Stressful Events
I have felt horrible all week... headache, anxiety and all-around grumpiness (bitchiness is probably more accurate, but I am giving myself a break here.) I finally realized what has caused it. I have a family wedding to attend tomorrow. This is not something I would normally dread as I have always loved weddings and I certainly love my family. I kept saying I was really looking forward to it, and I truly am, but I guess I am dreading it at the same time.
I thought I was being wise, and RSVP'd to the wedding ceremony but not the reception. I knew the reception would be impossible for me to deal with. I would probably be running for the door about five minutes after I got there. I didn't realize that the wedding ceremony was stressing me until yesterday, when I tried on the suit I am planning to wear. I actually had to have it taken in, which is a good thing! I guess that made me realize that the time was here and that I really was going.
Knowing that there will be many people there whom I have never met, plus I am guessing there will be more than two or three people there and that is my usual limit for comfort. I am praying that my FTD doesn't make me do or say something stupid. It is so frightening how these bizarre things just pop out of my mouth. Then there is the whole "lack of empathy" thing. I am afraid I will not act correctly and offend people. Though I am thinking it will be better than when I have to go to a funeral or viewing. At those events, my lack of empathy is quite evident. For this, I'm hoping if I keep a smile on my face, no one will know.
After it is over, I know I will be so glad that I attended and celebrated it with my family. I am on the groom's side of the family, and I know if I mess up, the groom's mother will understand. She has done a lot of research on FTD, so she "gets" it. Not sure about the rest of them. Yes, I know I am worrying way too much, but I just can't stop it.
My sister and I are going a little early, so that we can hopefully get me an outside aisle seat so that I don't feel closed in and in case I have to make an escape. That should help quite a bit. I just hope I can be calm enough to pay attention to what is happening instead of focusing on how I can get out of there. I hope my sister can relax as well. She "fusses" over me, trying to help when sometimes I just want to be ignored by everyone so that I can be as inconspicuous as possible. She will probably read this at some point and not understand, but I hope not be offended.
Then, in a couple weeks, I have to do it all over again for the wedding of a very dear friend. I wouldn't miss either event, despite how uncomfortable I will feel. When it comes to those I love, it is certainly worth making the effort. Wish me luck!!!
I thought I was being wise, and RSVP'd to the wedding ceremony but not the reception. I knew the reception would be impossible for me to deal with. I would probably be running for the door about five minutes after I got there. I didn't realize that the wedding ceremony was stressing me until yesterday, when I tried on the suit I am planning to wear. I actually had to have it taken in, which is a good thing! I guess that made me realize that the time was here and that I really was going.
Knowing that there will be many people there whom I have never met, plus I am guessing there will be more than two or three people there and that is my usual limit for comfort. I am praying that my FTD doesn't make me do or say something stupid. It is so frightening how these bizarre things just pop out of my mouth. Then there is the whole "lack of empathy" thing. I am afraid I will not act correctly and offend people. Though I am thinking it will be better than when I have to go to a funeral or viewing. At those events, my lack of empathy is quite evident. For this, I'm hoping if I keep a smile on my face, no one will know.
After it is over, I know I will be so glad that I attended and celebrated it with my family. I am on the groom's side of the family, and I know if I mess up, the groom's mother will understand. She has done a lot of research on FTD, so she "gets" it. Not sure about the rest of them. Yes, I know I am worrying way too much, but I just can't stop it.
My sister and I are going a little early, so that we can hopefully get me an outside aisle seat so that I don't feel closed in and in case I have to make an escape. That should help quite a bit. I just hope I can be calm enough to pay attention to what is happening instead of focusing on how I can get out of there. I hope my sister can relax as well. She "fusses" over me, trying to help when sometimes I just want to be ignored by everyone so that I can be as inconspicuous as possible. She will probably read this at some point and not understand, but I hope not be offended.
Then, in a couple weeks, I have to do it all over again for the wedding of a very dear friend. I wouldn't miss either event, despite how uncomfortable I will feel. When it comes to those I love, it is certainly worth making the effort. Wish me luck!!!
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Family Comes Through
I have been complaining in my blogs lately about not being "heard." That people don't understand the illness, so they either deny there is something wrong, or get irritated at my symptoms. This includes trying to finish my sentences because I have to pause to think of the right words and when I am stuttering because I am nervous. It can also be when they get irritated because I have an awkward gait or seem to trip over my own two feet. Then there is the worst, the times people look at me and don't believe what I say, because they think since I have FTD, I must be stupid. So today, I thought I would like to talk about an occasion when this didn't happen!
A couple months ago, a cousin gave me a call. She and her sister and my sister and I were pretty when we were young, probably up until senior high or so. She had started calling me every two or three months several years back so we were keeping in touch, but we hadn't seen each other since a couple family funerals many years ago. This last phone call, she said she and her sister were coming up (they both live several states away) for Mother's Day and did we want to get together. Of course I jumped at the chance. I was comfortable getting together with the two of them, sure that they wouldn't be judging me because of my symptoms and the four of us would be just the right size of a group for my comfort.
Two days before the date, I learned that our aunt and uncle were coming too. Don't get me wrong here, it is not because I didn't want to see them, but all of sudden the group was up to six and I was starting to get anxious. Then on Saturday, we met up at a restaurant that was about halfway between where my aunt and uncle live and where my sister and I live. When they arrived at the spot, all of a sudden, our group was eight because the daughter and grandson of one of the cousins came along. I had never met her or her son, so I was ecstatic to see them, but the anxiety started kicking in.
It didn't take long to realize it was going to be okay. After lots of hugs, we settled down in a very quiet and nice restaurant. The staff knew nothing about me having FTD and not being able to handle commotion and lots of noise, yet they sat us in a back section and never did seat anyone else in that section for the hours we were there. Then again, maybe we were just too rowdy for anyone to want to sit there... nah, that couldn't be it. My family rowdy, no way! We are just "spirited."
So we were in the perfect place. They all knew about my FTD, so I didn't have to explain it. When I started talking and had to pause to think of words, they all just sat there patiently waiting for me to continue. When I stuttered, they did not react at all. I did not feel left out of any of the conversation and the anxiousness totally disappeared. I also never felt like I was being judged and being found lacking, I was still their cousin, through and through. There are two more cousins in their family who had not joined us. They are significantly younger than the four of us, so we were never very close. Maybe next time, we can include them as well. I think I could handle it! My family truly came through for me!
This is definitely a good example of how to deal with someone with FTD. Include them in family gatherings, include them in conversations and make allowances for whatever symptoms the FTD family member has. More than that, try not to be judgmental.
Oh, and my family totally rocks!!!
A couple months ago, a cousin gave me a call. She and her sister and my sister and I were pretty when we were young, probably up until senior high or so. She had started calling me every two or three months several years back so we were keeping in touch, but we hadn't seen each other since a couple family funerals many years ago. This last phone call, she said she and her sister were coming up (they both live several states away) for Mother's Day and did we want to get together. Of course I jumped at the chance. I was comfortable getting together with the two of them, sure that they wouldn't be judging me because of my symptoms and the four of us would be just the right size of a group for my comfort.
Two days before the date, I learned that our aunt and uncle were coming too. Don't get me wrong here, it is not because I didn't want to see them, but all of sudden the group was up to six and I was starting to get anxious. Then on Saturday, we met up at a restaurant that was about halfway between where my aunt and uncle live and where my sister and I live. When they arrived at the spot, all of a sudden, our group was eight because the daughter and grandson of one of the cousins came along. I had never met her or her son, so I was ecstatic to see them, but the anxiety started kicking in.
It didn't take long to realize it was going to be okay. After lots of hugs, we settled down in a very quiet and nice restaurant. The staff knew nothing about me having FTD and not being able to handle commotion and lots of noise, yet they sat us in a back section and never did seat anyone else in that section for the hours we were there. Then again, maybe we were just too rowdy for anyone to want to sit there... nah, that couldn't be it. My family rowdy, no way! We are just "spirited."
So we were in the perfect place. They all knew about my FTD, so I didn't have to explain it. When I started talking and had to pause to think of words, they all just sat there patiently waiting for me to continue. When I stuttered, they did not react at all. I did not feel left out of any of the conversation and the anxiousness totally disappeared. I also never felt like I was being judged and being found lacking, I was still their cousin, through and through. There are two more cousins in their family who had not joined us. They are significantly younger than the four of us, so we were never very close. Maybe next time, we can include them as well. I think I could handle it! My family truly came through for me!
This is definitely a good example of how to deal with someone with FTD. Include them in family gatherings, include them in conversations and make allowances for whatever symptoms the FTD family member has. More than that, try not to be judgmental.
Oh, and my family totally rocks!!!
Sunday, May 3, 2015
More Advice for Caregivers
This past week, I saw a post on Facebook that listed ten phrases from the Bible that tell you how to be more loving. I have not bothered to look up the credited scripture verses, and I am rather down on God and my faith right now, so I won't bother listing the verses. I know it sounds harsh to say I am down on God and my faith, but it is my reality right now. It saddens even me, because I have had a strong faith for as long as I can remember. It is, however, hard to stay faithful when I don't feel He is being faithful to me right now. I keep trying to work through it. This is not what I started to talk about, but then again, I digress a lot, both here and in verbal speech. Perhaps my mind bounces around inside all the space left after the lobes of my brain continue to shrink? No, I don't think so, but it was really funny this morning when my sister and I were joking about it. Guess you had to be there...
Back on the subject of the ten phrases, it occurred to me that at least seven of them could be good guidelines for all who are caregivers for someone with this disease.
Listen Without Interrupting: Many people with FTD, including myself, struggle to get the words out sometimes. The words seem to be hanging out there, but my brain can't quite get a hold on them. I am sure it is exhausting sometimes to listen to me or others with the problem, but don't interrupt and try to insert the correct word for us. That just leads to more frustration, which leads to more of a problem thinking of the words we want and, sometimes, making us forget what we were trying to say at all. You would probably laugh hysterically if you watched me write these blogs. I will sometimes stare at the screen for minutes on end, trying to come up with a word I want.
Speak Without Accusing: Yeah, we do some really stupid things sometimes. We put things in places where they don't belong, make coffee without putting the coffee into the brewer, put on our shirts inside out and a whole lot more. To be correct here, when I say "we," I am saying "me." If you need to point out that we are doing something incorrectly or are asking where the milk is (I probably put it in the cabinet), ask calmly and keep it as light as you can. Often times, it comes off accusing to those of us hearing it. My immediate reaction is "Oh, no, I did something stupid again and he sounds angry that I did."
Answer Without Arguing: This goes hand-in-hand with the last one. If I ask you a question that, to you, seems really stupid, please know that I just cannot think of the answer right now. Take a breath if you need to before answering. I feel stupid enough having to ask it in the first place.
Give Without Sparing: Unfortunately, this is a constant for you caregivers. You are giving of yourselves and sacrificing so much of your own lives to care for us. I realize that and I am sure most others with FTD realize it as well and feel horribly guilty to be so dependent on you at all times. This disease is no fun for either of us. It also might be why we lash out at you sometimes.
Enjoy Without Complaint: The things we FTD'ers enjoy most may seem very boring or senseless to you. I find enjoyment from playing simple computer games that are geared for children. I figure it is exercising my brain somewhat as well. I have heard of others who like to do very simple jigsaw puzzles or do simple crafts (with the caregivers doing most of the work). Try to find some enjoyment in that yourselves. Say I want to go for a walk, enjoy it while it lasts and don't complain if I can only handle walking for one block. Doing all these things are very difficult for us and take a lot of energy. I couldn't walk a straight line if my life depended on it, but don't complain that I am walking like I am drunk. Just offer me your arm if I need to lean on it.
Forgive Without Punishing: This one really needs no explanation. We go back to some of the really stupid things we do, if it has caused some damage, like the milk that I put in the cabinet has soured, take a breath and forgive. This is a big one in the later stages of FTD when the bathroom accidents start happening. No one that I know of enjoys cleaning those up, but remember it isn't being done purposely or out of anger or boredom. It just happens.
Promise Without Forgetting: Most likely, your life as a caregiver, is a frantic mess. If you are working at a job, raising the children, helping out a parent, and still having to be the caretaker, I cannot imagine how you juggle it all. All of them are a full time job unto themselves. But, if you have made a promise to your loved one, try your best to remember to follow through. Looking forward to it just might be what got your loved one through another frustrating day. If you promised to bring home some cookies, they might have spent the entire day looking forward to one of those cookies. We do crave out sweets, it's part of the disease.
I will add one of my own here. Forgive Yourself For Not Being Perfect: All these suggestions I have made are not cast in stone. As I said a few paragraphs ago, being a caregiver is a difficult and thankless job. You just cannot do it all no matter how much you try. If you end up yelling at your loved one, forget something you promised or don't have time to sit and do an activity with them, it's okay. Tell them, sincerely, that you are sorry you didn't, or couldn't, do it... and ask for their forgiveness. Sitting for a minute, holding their hand, or giving them a simple hug, just might make it all okay again.
Back on the subject of the ten phrases, it occurred to me that at least seven of them could be good guidelines for all who are caregivers for someone with this disease.
Listen Without Interrupting: Many people with FTD, including myself, struggle to get the words out sometimes. The words seem to be hanging out there, but my brain can't quite get a hold on them. I am sure it is exhausting sometimes to listen to me or others with the problem, but don't interrupt and try to insert the correct word for us. That just leads to more frustration, which leads to more of a problem thinking of the words we want and, sometimes, making us forget what we were trying to say at all. You would probably laugh hysterically if you watched me write these blogs. I will sometimes stare at the screen for minutes on end, trying to come up with a word I want.
Speak Without Accusing: Yeah, we do some really stupid things sometimes. We put things in places where they don't belong, make coffee without putting the coffee into the brewer, put on our shirts inside out and a whole lot more. To be correct here, when I say "we," I am saying "me." If you need to point out that we are doing something incorrectly or are asking where the milk is (I probably put it in the cabinet), ask calmly and keep it as light as you can. Often times, it comes off accusing to those of us hearing it. My immediate reaction is "Oh, no, I did something stupid again and he sounds angry that I did."
Answer Without Arguing: This goes hand-in-hand with the last one. If I ask you a question that, to you, seems really stupid, please know that I just cannot think of the answer right now. Take a breath if you need to before answering. I feel stupid enough having to ask it in the first place.
Give Without Sparing: Unfortunately, this is a constant for you caregivers. You are giving of yourselves and sacrificing so much of your own lives to care for us. I realize that and I am sure most others with FTD realize it as well and feel horribly guilty to be so dependent on you at all times. This disease is no fun for either of us. It also might be why we lash out at you sometimes.
Enjoy Without Complaint: The things we FTD'ers enjoy most may seem very boring or senseless to you. I find enjoyment from playing simple computer games that are geared for children. I figure it is exercising my brain somewhat as well. I have heard of others who like to do very simple jigsaw puzzles or do simple crafts (with the caregivers doing most of the work). Try to find some enjoyment in that yourselves. Say I want to go for a walk, enjoy it while it lasts and don't complain if I can only handle walking for one block. Doing all these things are very difficult for us and take a lot of energy. I couldn't walk a straight line if my life depended on it, but don't complain that I am walking like I am drunk. Just offer me your arm if I need to lean on it.
Forgive Without Punishing: This one really needs no explanation. We go back to some of the really stupid things we do, if it has caused some damage, like the milk that I put in the cabinet has soured, take a breath and forgive. This is a big one in the later stages of FTD when the bathroom accidents start happening. No one that I know of enjoys cleaning those up, but remember it isn't being done purposely or out of anger or boredom. It just happens.
Promise Without Forgetting: Most likely, your life as a caregiver, is a frantic mess. If you are working at a job, raising the children, helping out a parent, and still having to be the caretaker, I cannot imagine how you juggle it all. All of them are a full time job unto themselves. But, if you have made a promise to your loved one, try your best to remember to follow through. Looking forward to it just might be what got your loved one through another frustrating day. If you promised to bring home some cookies, they might have spent the entire day looking forward to one of those cookies. We do crave out sweets, it's part of the disease.
I will add one of my own here. Forgive Yourself For Not Being Perfect: All these suggestions I have made are not cast in stone. As I said a few paragraphs ago, being a caregiver is a difficult and thankless job. You just cannot do it all no matter how much you try. If you end up yelling at your loved one, forget something you promised or don't have time to sit and do an activity with them, it's okay. Tell them, sincerely, that you are sorry you didn't, or couldn't, do it... and ask for their forgiveness. Sitting for a minute, holding their hand, or giving them a simple hug, just might make it all okay again.
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