I really work at trying to see the good most situations. I try to stay focused on the positive side, even in this blog. I figure that even if I am feeling down, it doesn't help if I bring everyone around me down as well. Sometimes this just does not work. It becomes a bad idea because no one knows how frustrated I've been for hours and they inadvertently add on one more stressful situation and it is the one that breaks me and I lash out at them. That is what happened one day this week.
I usually sleep later in the morning than my husband does. I experience a lot of nightmares, so it takes me longer to feel rested. One morning, he had to wake me early. We were needing some trees trimmed, especially around our power lines, and a gentleman who had done some work for us in previous years stopped by and offered to do it right then. The price was quite reasonable. If I had been fully awake, this would have been an easy conversation and an easy choice. My hesitation at giving an answer made him think I needed more information, so he kept giving me more and more. I finally snapped at him to just go ahead and do it. As the job went on, yet more decisions were necessary, building up my stress.
In the midst of the job, my sister stopped by for a visit. That was a good thing as I love her to visit so we sat down to talk over a cup of coffee, switching my focus to our conversation. After that, every question about the work required me to switch focus and resulted in my brain spinning in circles, upping my frustration level even more. I did try to keep myself calm, but I am sure that both my husband and sister could tell I was getting stressed but, hopefully, the guy doing the work didn't.
After everyone left, I began to tackle a chore I had assigned myself for that day. (Have I mentioned how many Post-It notes I use?) Like any chore, it ended up being a bit more involved than expected, but I kept at it and was doing well. Then, my husband, who was feeling relieved by having the tree trimming done, was eager to get some other neglected chores done. He interupted and offered to help me with one but I said I wasn't ready to it. After a few minutes, he suggested another one. I totally lost it! It was just too many things to think about and too many necessary changes of focus, and I couldn't deal with it. He walked away from the situation to go calm down so he didn't also react in anger... God bless him! I curled up on the floor and cried. Fortunately, I didn't take too long to calm myself this time. I went to where he was sitting and explained exactly how my meltdown had developed from the time I was awakened. It helps us both when we walk through it like that.
It is not easy for others to realize how difficult it is for someone with FTD to change focus, even over the little things. It ended up being a good moment of education for both of us, we ended up doing one of the chores he had suggested and the rest of the day was great! So there, I did find something good about it after all!
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