Friday, August 25, 2017

Little Things Add Up

I started out last week's blog entry by complaining that I had just done something that caused me to lose a big part of what I had written. I just did it again, but this time, I lost the entire post... all of it! I click "save" every paragraph or so even though it is supposed to save automatically It used to be that if I did lose it, I could somehow get it back as a draft. If only this damned FTD would let me remember how to do that.

Ironically, my entire blog this week was about how it seems to be the little things that upset me the most. To me, this is not a little thing, it's a biggie. I will rewrite what I can remember even though I now have an even worse headache than what I was talking about.

I have a theory. I have alluded to it before but since I have absolutely no scientific evidence or others' experiences to back me up, it is just a theory. I truly believe that my brain knows when it is about to lose more function. I develop the worst of my FTD headaches... the ones that no pain medication can touch. They are kind of like my worst migraine x5. These headaches always seem to be a precursor to worsening symptoms. The other indicator to me is the need for sleep. All of a sudden I will be needing much more sleep than usual.

I have had the headache for a week or so now. Then, yesterday, after an exciting afternoon out of getting a haircut and having a late lunch at our usual restaurant (Yes, you are right, not exciting and should have not worn me out either,) I needed to lay down as soon as we got home. That was about 4:00 in the afternoon. I usually don't do naps so that I am able to sleep through the night. I woke up about four hours later after the phone had rung so I got up and had something cold to drink, visited the bathroom and went back to bed. I tried to read for a little while, but soon fell back asleep. This morning I was up before the crack of noon. Okay, it was 11:45, but that is before noon. FTD has killed most of my math skills, but I still think that was about 16 hours of sleep.

My thought at that point was that with that much sleep, at least I was rested enough to face the day. I wish! I settled down on the couch with my coffee and newspaper and except for some of the dreadful news, I was nicely relaxed. Then my husband prepared himself a little lunch, sat down on the other sofa and turned on the TV to watch a game show. It was only after it was on that he asked if it was okay with me. I thought it would be fine since now that he has hearing aids, he sets the volume so low that I can barely hear it even though my hearing is pretty darned good for a 64-year old. I was being pretty successful at blocking it out when he started asking "What did he say?" repeatedly. I was not exactly kind when I answered "I don't know, I can't hear it!" I took out my frustration by mopping the kitchen floor, so maybe it was a good thing anyway. After doing that, I retreated to my room which is my sanctuary.

My room does not have a phone and since my husband hates to answer the phone even though he can now hear on the phone. I usually bring a handset in with me. A couple hours after coming in here, the phone rang and I answered it. It was just someone calling to confirm an upcoming appointment. Half way through this brief conversation, he stuck his head in and asked who it was. I ignored him, said goodbye and hung up. He then goes on to explain that he was waiting for a call from Don. That was all the info I needed, but he elaborated that he had called Don and he wasn't home so he left a message. He explained what had prompted him to call and what answer he wanted for his question and all his reasoning behind it, including past experiences and the benefits it would bring him. He was greeted with a very rude "Whatever!!!"

That was enough reason to take a break so I went out to the kitchen to get a drink. Since I was calm by then, I stopped by him and explained how and why it would have been better to simply have said, "I am expecting a call from Don." Period, end of story. I wish. No, then he had to explain why he thought I should know all the minutiae again. To top it off, I spilled part of my drink while trying to pour it. That was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I then said "Maybe I should just go somewhere and curl up and die." He laughed. I simply turned and said "When I say something like that, I am saying how I am truly feeling." No response.

It is not at all unusual for someone with FTD to have the feelings of wanting to escape it all but don't worry, I am not going to do that. My daughter would kill me if I did. Yes, that is a feeble attempt at humor. Seriously, after my father's suicide ripped apart our family, I did promise her I would never do that to her. Of course that was before FTD, but I know what it did to me and I would never do that to her, no matter how bad it gets.

The daily frustrations that mount up and ruin the day can be simpler things as well. Too many calls from a telemarketer, not being able to remember something, being unable to come up with the words you want, stumbling too often or just about anything else can do it.  I hope my husband will forgive me for telling of today's events. It is only because we are always together that our daily life so often provides examples for what I am trying to talk about.

I will stop complaining now about how the little things add up into a huge frustrations. I will stop because all of a sudden, I need a nap.  Plus I need to post it quickly so I don't lose it again.

PS: I don't believe this!  After I posted this blog, I found the draft of it I had written before along with the one from last week. So I'm happy to know that I was saving it, but still wonder where the heck it was hiding!


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