FTD has a way of making our lives extremely difficult. Speech issues, mobility issues, social issues, medical issues and on and on. I don't think I need to go into details on each one since I have done that repeatedly in the past. There is one that I need to talk about and that is anger and frustration.
I get angry and frustrated because I have difficulty communicating through speech. I get angry and frustrated by not being able to walk well. I get angry and frustrated because I can no longer satisfy my incessant need for independence. I get angry and frustrated when I have to ask someone else to do just about anything for me. I guess that goes hand-in-hand with my need to be independent and to do it all my way and by myself.
A couple weeks ago, I wrote my blog entry about finally accepting that I can not do it all myself anymore. I was diagnosed back in 2010. So it took me seven years to finally admit it, not to bad for me. I have broken down and hired someone to clean my house, do the yard work and the landscaping work (trimming, weeding, mulching). Now, I admit, I am quite picky. I want everything done the way I want it and when I want it done.
The house cleaner came the first time a week and a half ago. The best way I can sum it up is that she did an adequate job. I accepted that, touched up a couple things she missed and made a note of what to explain further to her next time. To begin with, I was really proud of myself for accepting that I needed help with it and really proud that I was not critical of what she did. It helps that she is a super sweet older lady.
I have been hiring a friend for several years now to come trim all the shrubbery, kill the weeds and spread a lot of mulch. It's kind of funny, actually, that we pay him to spread a ton of mulch (not literally a ton, just seems like it) then turn around and have our yard guy do a fall clean up before winter. He comes with a really strong blower to drive all the fallen leaves into the woods. Unfortunately, he also sends the mulch right along with them. See, I can accept some things! Back to the friend, it's been a month and he has not come to do the work. In his defense, it seems to be raining five days out of seven and he works long hours at his real job. Despite that, it was really getting to me that our property was looking a little ratty.
I came up with a compromise. I had already pulled weeds and trimmed in the back of the house that I see all the time from the family room and deck. That helped sooth me for a while. Then it started bothering me how ratty the property at the end of the driveway looked to anyone driving in. So I asked the lawn guy to weed whack the hill while he was here mowing. Now, this is not a huge piece of property. We're probably talking a 10' x 12' slope and he has done this a couple times a year for the past several. My husband asked him to do it this week. The next time I went out and saw it, he had trimmed the grassy area above it and had not touched the area that was getting to be overgrown. Did he not look?
So, this morning, after a few days of getting angry and tied up in knots every time I was in the driveway, I went on a weeding rampage. I crawled and scooted myself all over that hillside and got it to be looking presentable. God love my husband, he didn't say a word, just kept coming and emptying my weed bucket. He even took me out for an early dinner once I finished. I think he did it to keep me from going into another frenzy.
Now, after this long winded story of my stubbornness and not so much ability to accept that which I cannot do, I will get to the point. I get so frustrated and angry that it actually worsens my FTD symptoms. I had a lot of trouble walking from the car to the restaurant and through to our table. I had trouble ordering and making requests to the waitress. I know it will be a few days now until my FTD symptoms revert back to how they were, if they fully do, before my rampage.
Those of us with FTD pay a huge price for pushing ourselves to try and be like we used to be before FTD. The price is both physical, with worsening symptoms, and emotional when realizing all over again that we have limitations and can no longer do what we want.
One good thing this week... My sister is always offering to help and I am always refusing. I am supposed to be the strong one who does things for the rest of the family, at least in my mind. This week, while we went to an out of town doctor's appointment, she came and scrubbed the outside of all the gutters around the house. This was pretty much an all day task and one that we could not do. When she was finished and was packing up to go, she looked me in the eyes and said "Thank you for allowing me to help you."
I am tearing up just typing these words. It probably won't make much of a dent in my resistance to accepting her help, but "Wow," maybe I am just a tad too stubborn. Maybe if it happens another 50 times?
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