I normally don't post an entry more than once a week and certainly not two days in a row, but today I must.
After a few days of forcing myself to do too much work, my FTD mind and body are telling me to stop for a while. It did this by awakening me this morning with a really bad FTD headache. After reading as much of the Sunday paper as I could, I retreated to my room and started scrolling through Facebook. Usually, this is a good idea... to catch up with what friends are doing and maybe to laugh at some funny memes. Just doing this can sometimes ease the discomfort.
In hindsight, I now know that today was not the day to do this. The first thing that upset me was the post from one of my fellow graduates from high school. Yesterday, she had posted a tattoo that she had gifted herself to celebrate her 65th birthday. Today, she posted the results of one of those mind-numbing quizzes that told her, along with the rest of the world, that she still acted like she was 26. It then went on inviting me to take the quiz, asking "How old do you really act?" Reality hit me in the face because I know that since FTD hit, I act much older than my 63 years.
There is no reason for her to not post these things. She was proud of them and darned well should be. She is one of the most active new "senior" citizens that I have ever known. She volunteers, travels and is just an all around nice person. The problem was that, feeling as exhausted and unable to do anything today as I do, it hit me hard. Her posts made me feel like I was missing things that I wish I could do. I actually cried and had a little pity party until I realized how silly I was being. Now I am just happy for her, as I should be.
Just when I was feeling better, I came across a meme posted by a friend that read "God will always lead you to be where you need to be. In His time not yours. Just trust and believe." Okay, I believe in God and talk to him everyday. I refuse to believe that God has lead me to have this horrid disease. I refuse to believe that He deliberately steals more of my functioning abilities every day. I refuse to believe that He is deliberately leading me to a slow and painful death that will take months or even years to finally end my life. If it was God's will that I should suffer from this disease, should I believe that he has prevented all the top scientists and doctors from finding treatment or a cure?
Yes, I know I over reacted once again. I totally understand the beautiful words she was sharing, hoping to encourage everyone reading it. Unfortunately, though, I believe that if I am to literally believe these words, I just might start doubting my faith. I kicked myself in the butt again for twisting this beautiful sentiment into something disturbing. I realized, once again, it was the fact that my body was rebelling against me today that had skewed my reasoning.
Then, came the final blow and this one has no justification for it being posted. A friend had shared the post of a comedian. In the video, a woman in what appeared to be a power wheelchair needed to get up a level in a busy place. I am imagining it was an airport or shopping mall. She attempted to ride an escalator, in her wheelchair, to the next level. You can imagine the horror of what happened. She, almost immediately, tipped over. It appeared that she was unable to separate her from the wheelchair and was being hurt as she was being held down against the escalator by the chair. It was reassuring that others came to her aid. But... there was also a video running of a comedian. He just kept repeating that he would not comment on this, making it obvious how badly he would like to make fun of it but he was not going to do it. Wow, what a saint!
I cannot believe he posted this or that so many others have shared his post. Why do people not realize that those in wheelchairs are not necessarily burdened with "just" a physical impediment. I found it necessary to respond to this one. I wrote that I am also forced to use a cane or ride in a wheelchair. This is because my brain is unable to communicate with my legs when and how to move. FTD, right along with the walking issue, steals the ability to process circumstances and make proper decisions to stay safe.
I pray, to the God I still believe in, that I will never find myself in this woman's position. I also pray that if I do, that those witnessing the accident will see it as the dangerous result of a deteriorating brain, and not find it so amusing.
I will end my rant here. I usually like to conclude my blog entries with something amusing or at least light-hearted. Nothing to be found in this one provides me with anything for that today. Some times, the things people find hysterical or uplifting result in just the opposite.
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