Quite often, when I sit down to write a blog entry, I will get a couple paragraphs into the subject I was intending to write about and then realize, "Nope, this isn't it." In fact, it probably happens more often than not. It's never that the original subject isn't worth writing about. It is just that I realize that there really is something else buried deep in my mind that is influencing my actions and emotions. This week is certainly one of those weeks. I was getting into the subject of how we can sometimes use our FTD to excuse things that perhaps we shouldn't. Then it hit me that perhaps sometimes there is an underlying thought process that causes me to do that.
This week, there were a couple incidents of people griping about something. I usually don't mind this since everyone is entitled to an opinion. It is when they start forcing their opinion onto others that I get really angry. Even then, I can usually brush it off after a short period of feeling the anger. To me, what it came down to in this instance was that we all have to accept that none of us can be perfect. Often, we are working our hardest to provide what we believe people might need but are missing some key things that others wish we would do differently. How are we to know what each other needs if we don't talk to each other. There is also the paranoia that comes with FTD and that does not help us to look at things objectively either.
There is a good reason why my great grandma always said that you can catch more flies with honey than you get with vinegar. People tend to react to things in the same manner they are presented. If you want someone to cooperate and address an issue you have, it is usually more successful to present it in a non-confrontational manner. If you give a few tastes of honey first, the vinegar of your complaint or request will usually be accepted much more easily.
There are times when you are reacting to something and you don't realize the underlying reason as to why that particular reaction is being triggered. I don't think very many members of my family read my blog, so I feel safe in giving more details than I probably should.
This came into play in my own life this week. When my father passed away 25+ years ago, his baby brother, his wife and I grew extremely close and that just grew as the years went by. Last weekend, my uncle passed away.
His death was not expected at all. I was in shock until I realized that he had become the full time caregiver for my aunt who had been fighting cancer for a few years. This cancer had spread to her brain and she and I had grown even closer as her symptoms and my FTD symptoms were quite similar. I came to realize that his death is a perfect example of "Who is caring for the caregiver?" The strain was just too much for his body to absorb any longer.
My aunt decided that perhaps now was the time for her to agree to go to the local nursing home. The hospice and home nursing personnel had all said that she could no longer stay at home alone. Her goal was now to clean out their house. They had lived in the same house for around 40 years or more and he had the same mentality as most of the men in our family, "Keep it, it might come in handy someday." They had accumulated a lot of family heirlooms along the way as well. I did think of one family heirloom that I wanted and she promised to try to find it. Still, I have been obsessing over all those things and feeling a tremendous loss that they might be leaving our family.
We used to talk on the phone every couple days, but now we are talking a couple times a day. Of course, with my FTD, I cannot get into the car and drive up there to stay with her, help with the house and help care for her until she gets to the nursing home next week.
I finally realized that it is not all the stuff that I was wanting to have. I was trying to get back the connection that he and I had and to hang on to the one I have with her. With her moving to a nursing home, I am having to accept that I won't have her in my life much longer either. I was even taking my obsession with their things a step further. I was wanting these heirlooms so that my daughter can remember her aunt and uncle, her grandmother and even me.
I know she is not really going to want all the stuff from their house. She has some things that my aunt had already passed on to her and those are the treasures that will mean more to her than anything still remaining in the house.
In addition to realizing that missing him is why I was coveting all his things, I realized that not being able to go up there and help her was influencing more than I realized.
For once in my FTD life, I actually did something right. Instead of going off the deep end about a stranger helping her clean out their house and worrying myself until I was sick, I called my cousin. She talked me down off the ledge. She also called their house and spoke to the woman who was now staying there with my aunt. It turns out my aunt had not able to explain to me the relationship between the two of them. It is actually a good friend of hers whom she has mentioned to me many, many times. There is no one trying to put a wedge into my relationship with my aunt and I can still cling to her even though my uncle is gone.
I was very proud of myself, instead of asking my aunt to keep everything or demanding to talk to and vet this woman, I remembered my paranoia. I called my cousin, the person whom I knew would be best able to calm me. To tie it back to the beginning of this blog, I was able to hang on to the honey and skip the vinegar. I would not have ever been able to forgive myself if I had spoken to my aunt, or her friend, in a confrontational manner about mere things. It is the love that I will cling to, not "stuff."
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