Paranoia is one of those unwanted gifts that FTD brings along with it. Add in the fact that I spent many years being quick to become paranoid and I was always thinking that I am not good enough, doing enough, that nobody likes me or that I am not smart enough.
Before FTD, I was usually able to talk myself out of these thoughts very quickly. If all else failed, I would create something. Using my creative and artistic talents always snapped me out of it by making me feel good about myself and my creation. Plus, I made great strides in realizing it was distorted thinking that was causing these thoughts. I read a book once that used the analogy of someone who lived their entire life in a contained environment and the only mirror was distorted, like a fun house mirror. After living like that for a number of years, no one would be able to convince that person that the mirror was wrong. Instead, s/he would think all the perfect mirrors were distorted and never believe that the new image was correct. It is amazing how much that affected me and helped me recognize my worth. This eye-opening experience was longer than 30 years ago and it changed my life allowing me to be happy, appreciate and enjoy my life. I realized the first 18 years of my life did not need to control the rest of it. That's probably a whole lot more about my formative years than you ever cared to know, but I thought it necessary to explain my past experience with paranoid thoughts.
Then came FTD. Not being able to do things I could before the disease or not being able to do them as well can be totally defeating. Just the other day, someone relayed a conversation that two people had shared. They were wanting to do a get together before the holidays. They both started raving about my cooking and entertaining abilities and thought that, if they asked, I would host the get together. It nearly broke my heart to have to refuse. I used to love doing these things but just cannot anymore for all the reasons I have written about in so many blogs before this.
The friend seemed shocked that I would refuse. Of course, I started trying to explain about my limitations, but the conversation was cut short. They did not, or could not, fathom how hosting something like that is now beyond my capabilities but that, also, would cause me to not enjoy the event and would put me into a tailspin for a few days.
Now the paranoia of FTD comes into play. Since then, I have heard nothing about a holiday get together. Were they offended because I couldn't do it? Did they not believe that I was truthful when I said I couldn't? Were they really not my friends and had been including me so that I would do the work? Or, was no one else willing play hostess and the plans fell apart? If I were to discuss this with anyone, they would brush my concern aside and insist I was reading too much into it. Truth is, this could be the case but FTD won't seem to let my heart believe it.
There are many things that I don't even attempt to do anymore because I know I cannot do them as well as I could before FTD. Not only do I believe that others will judge what I have done and find it lacking, but I do that to myself as well. Is this paranoia or is this just recognizing my limitations.
A common thread of a lot of conversations I have with others who are dealing with FTD is how friends and family don't come around anymore. All those who, when I first diagnosed, had said that we can count on them and they will help us get through it. Those people, I do believe, meant well. I have to believe that they don't follow through because they are uncomfortable being with this new person. FTD has definitely changed some of who I am, how I speak, how I look, and what I can or cannot do anymore. There are many times I realize that I wouldn't want to spend much time with myself either. So I forgive them. It still hurts, but I forgive them.
Some days, the paranoia will seem to kick in to the point that I wonder if I really do not say the things the things that I think I do. Someone will come up to me and start asking me about something that either needs done or that I should know about. I will try to explain that we had just talked about this the day before and go through the explanation again. This might happen several times. By then, I blow up at them and tell them that I have already explained this several times. I clearly remember the conversation, but they do not. They absolutely refuse to believe we had already talked about it. All the thoughts start running through my head: am I imagining conversations, am I hallucinating, am I going insane in addition to the FTD? Is it a combination of these things?
I don't think any of these thoughts are correct. I think that a lot of people dismiss everything that I have to say because they truly think that, since I have FTD, I don't have anything of value to say. I also believe that I do ramble on about things, usually things that are of no interest to anyone other than myself. I imagine the people who spend a lot of time with me start to block out anything that I am saying. Nothing like talking to someone for two minutes and then have them look up and say "Huh? Did you say something?"
This all brings me to question whether FTD really does bring paranoia. Is it paranoia that makes me believe that people don't want to bother spending time with me or is the harsh truth that many people don't want anything to do with someone who can no longer do the things they used to do for them? Are they reluctant to spend time with me because they fear the same thing could happen to them? Am I talking and making no sense when I do without realizing it or does the person just not want to listen? Do they realize my mind is not quite as sharp as it used to be so they deem everything I say as gibberish? Do they ask me about the same things several times because, either consciously or subconsciously, they dismiss what I say before I even say it?
This produces a true conundrum. People. on the other side of all these scenarios, probably totally believe that I am being paranoid and that they are positive they are correct. As for me, are they truly dismissing what I have to say even when I am answering their question or am I paranoid for thinking that way?
I always had a deep interest in Psychology and often wish I had pursued it and actually studied it. If I had, maybe I could figure out the answer to this. In the meantime, I keep coming back to the old adage "Just because you think they are out to get you doesn't mean that they are not."
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